Friday, September 15
Thursday, September 14
Wu Wei, please.
Oh I may lie here across the ground, and beneath me the bones of the earth are holding strong, just like they were meant to. And the sun creeps across the sky and it feels raging and wild on my bare skin. But my hands want to hold things, and my mind wants to reach out and grab onto what it sees, to control the heavens. Grass tickles my nose. I can't help but smell purple flowers dotting the field, and still the mind... thoughts. Thinking is creating things that don't exist, new things to possess or mourn. Somewhere I hear water doing whatever it's doing. I doubt it wonders where it's going.
Oh I may lie here across the ground, and beneath me the bones of the earth are holding strong, just like they were meant to. And the sun creeps across the sky and it feels raging and wild on my bare skin. But my hands want to hold things, and my mind wants to reach out and grab onto what it sees, to control the heavens. Grass tickles my nose. I can't help but smell purple flowers dotting the field, and still the mind... thoughts. Thinking is creating things that don't exist, new things to possess or mourn. Somewhere I hear water doing whatever it's doing. I doubt it wonders where it's going.
How Fortunate the Man With None.
(original German poem by Bertold Brecht,
translation by John Willet)
You saw sagacious Solomon
You know what came of him,
To him complexities seemed plain.
He cursed the hour that gave birth to him
And saw that everything was vain.
How great and wise was Solomon.
The world however did not wait
But soon observed what followed on.
It's wisdom that had brought him to this state.
How fortunate the man with none.
You saw courageous Caesar next
You know what he became.
They deified him in his life
Then had him murdered just the same.
And as they raised the fatal knife
How loud he cried: you too my son!
The world however did not wait
But soon observed what followed on.
It's courage that had brought him to that state.
How fortunate the man with none.
You heard of honest Socrates
The man who never lied:
They weren't so grateful as you'd think
Instead the rulers fixed to have him tried
And handed him the poisoned drink.
How honest was the people's noble son.
The world however did not wait
But soon observed what followed on.
It's honesty that brought him to that state.
How fortunate the man with none.
Here you can see respectable folk
Keeping to God's own laws.
So far he hasn't taken heed.
You who sit safe and warm indoors
Help to relieve our bitter need.
How virtuously we had begun.
The world however will not wait
But soon observes what follows on.
It's fear of god that's brought us to this state.
How fortunate the man with none.
(original German poem by Bertold Brecht,
translation by John Willet)
You saw sagacious Solomon
You know what came of him,
To him complexities seemed plain.
He cursed the hour that gave birth to him
And saw that everything was vain.
How great and wise was Solomon.
The world however did not wait
But soon observed what followed on.
It's wisdom that had brought him to this state.
How fortunate the man with none.
You saw courageous Caesar next
You know what he became.
They deified him in his life
Then had him murdered just the same.
And as they raised the fatal knife
How loud he cried: you too my son!
The world however did not wait
But soon observed what followed on.
It's courage that had brought him to that state.
How fortunate the man with none.
You heard of honest Socrates
The man who never lied:
They weren't so grateful as you'd think
Instead the rulers fixed to have him tried
And handed him the poisoned drink.
How honest was the people's noble son.
The world however did not wait
But soon observed what followed on.
It's honesty that brought him to that state.
How fortunate the man with none.
Here you can see respectable folk
Keeping to God's own laws.
So far he hasn't taken heed.
You who sit safe and warm indoors
Help to relieve our bitter need.
How virtuously we had begun.
The world however will not wait
But soon observes what follows on.
It's fear of god that's brought us to this state.
How fortunate the man with none.
Monday, September 11
Clean.
Running like a child through a field of poppies
Remembering the thrill in my legs and the wind curling
Off my face and body, left behind where no time existed
No time existed, it was bright and wild and strong
Then something went wrong
I began to notice trails
And wonder where they led
I began to hear voices calling
Wondered what they said
I began to feel the slime of
The nameless ones creep upon my body
Fill my pores with care and filthy wants
Now I will never be clean again
I will never be clean again
I will never be clean again
I will never be clean again.
Running like a child through a field of poppies
Remembering the thrill in my legs and the wind curling
Off my face and body, left behind where no time existed
No time existed, it was bright and wild and strong
Then something went wrong
I began to notice trails
And wonder where they led
I began to hear voices calling
Wondered what they said
I began to feel the slime of
The nameless ones creep upon my body
Fill my pores with care and filthy wants
Now I will never be clean again
I will never be clean again
I will never be clean again
I will never be clean again.
Depressed child, if you can make it through the moment, you have won a victory all by yourself. To simply fight, and make it through another day is something. Take it one clock tick or breath or keystroke at a time. Time and fear can never defeat you if you stay inside each moment. This is not hiding, it is surviving. We used to live this way as children, and somewhere along the line we thought bigger and got ahead of ourselves. Go back to being a child. Anxious, frightened child, your tears are nothing to be ashamed of. Blurt it out to the world and get it out of your body. We have senses so we can use them. Take one moment at a time, feel content about one thing at a time.
Sunday, September 10
My love for one person is sustaining me
I hope she never pushes it away
Whatever the form it naturally takes
As long as she stays
In my life and a part of my nights
A silver jewel in my day
My admiration for one young woman strengthens me
When I feel so worn out and weak
Makes me feel like a man in control of myself
When it's tempting to be meek
If you're reading this, I treasure what we have already
And cannot wait until we meet
We're two people so similar
Perfect in my mind for each other
We both have tempers
But still a lot of care for others
We both see the world in a similar light
Admit we're wrong and stay humble when right
We suffer no fools and we fear the night
But the earth is home
And the loneliness could be gone
And goodness need not turn to sorrow
If things go right.
I hope she never pushes it away
Whatever the form it naturally takes
As long as she stays
In my life and a part of my nights
A silver jewel in my day
My admiration for one young woman strengthens me
When I feel so worn out and weak
Makes me feel like a man in control of myself
When it's tempting to be meek
If you're reading this, I treasure what we have already
And cannot wait until we meet
We're two people so similar
Perfect in my mind for each other
We both have tempers
But still a lot of care for others
We both see the world in a similar light
Admit we're wrong and stay humble when right
We suffer no fools and we fear the night
But the earth is home
And the loneliness could be gone
And goodness need not turn to sorrow
If things go right.
I've seen the other, "real" side of things
I don't want to see it ever again
I don't want to watch the ceiling ripple
Smell sounds in the walls
See fractal patterns in the stars,
In the bushes, cubist nightmares
Heightened cries of horror hidden in the woods
No lights of safety because safety can never exist
I do not want the time never passing
The moments of control never lasting
The unimaginable depths ever awaiting
The madness of the infinite never abating
I do not want these things
I have tried for three thousand nights on end to forget them.
I don't want to see it ever again
I don't want to watch the ceiling ripple
Smell sounds in the walls
See fractal patterns in the stars,
In the bushes, cubist nightmares
Heightened cries of horror hidden in the woods
No lights of safety because safety can never exist
I do not want the time never passing
The moments of control never lasting
The unimaginable depths ever awaiting
The madness of the infinite never abating
I do not want these things
I have tried for three thousand nights on end to forget them.
A thousand ships were launched to being Helen back
A dozen valium couldn't keep me from panicking,
From crying my eyes out yesterday in sadness
A million days might not be enough for me to find peace
And people look sad to me behind their smiles
Their yellow skin is hiding something
And the sky is moving with a mind of its own
Trying to remind me of something
But all I see are crooked teeth and beggars in suits
Dragging their knuckles beside their boots
A thousand ships were launched to bring Lucifer back from hell
The angel of the morning, brightest star there ever was.
A dozen valium couldn't keep me from panicking,
From crying my eyes out yesterday in sadness
A million days might not be enough for me to find peace
And people look sad to me behind their smiles
Their yellow skin is hiding something
And the sky is moving with a mind of its own
Trying to remind me of something
But all I see are crooked teeth and beggars in suits
Dragging their knuckles beside their boots
A thousand ships were launched to bring Lucifer back from hell
The angel of the morning, brightest star there ever was.
bury me in a field of tulips
in a suit of white gold mail
ruby in the hilt of my sword
sapphires replacing my eyes
let me look upon all I never loved
and be exorcised
I dreamt of a meeting with you
that never materialized
you got scared, pressured, or
for whatever reason beat me down
when I believe to god I didn't deserve it
die like a hermit on a pile of shit.
in a suit of white gold mail
ruby in the hilt of my sword
sapphires replacing my eyes
let me look upon all I never loved
and be exorcised
I dreamt of a meeting with you
that never materialized
you got scared, pressured, or
for whatever reason beat me down
when I believe to god I didn't deserve it
die like a hermit on a pile of shit.
Day Is Done.
(Nick Drake)
When the day is done
Down to earth then sinks the sun
Along with everything that was lost and won
When the day is done.
When the day is done
Hope so much your race will be all run
Then you find you jumped the gun
Have to go back where you began
When the day is done.
When the night is cold
Some get by but some get old
Just to show life's not made of gold
When the night is cold.
When the bird has flown
Got no-one to call your own
Got no place to call your home
When the bird has flown.
When the game's been fought
You sped the ball across the court
Lost much sooner than you would have thought
Now the game's been fought.
When the party's through
Seems so very sad for you
Didn't do the things you meant to do
Now there's no time to start anew
Now the party's through.
When the day is done
Down to earth then sinks the sun
Along with everything that was lost and won
When the day is done.
(Nick Drake)
When the day is done
Down to earth then sinks the sun
Along with everything that was lost and won
When the day is done.
When the day is done
Hope so much your race will be all run
Then you find you jumped the gun
Have to go back where you began
When the day is done.
When the night is cold
Some get by but some get old
Just to show life's not made of gold
When the night is cold.
When the bird has flown
Got no-one to call your own
Got no place to call your home
When the bird has flown.
When the game's been fought
You sped the ball across the court
Lost much sooner than you would have thought
Now the game's been fought.
When the party's through
Seems so very sad for you
Didn't do the things you meant to do
Now there's no time to start anew
Now the party's through.
When the day is done
Down to earth then sinks the sun
Along with everything that was lost and won
When the day is done.
I see them all lined up.
(michael gira)
I see them all lined up,
Like naked children at the wall.
Their skin is hanging off in sheets.
Each face is painted like a whore.
Their blood is shining in the sun.
Their wounds are powdered with white salt.
Their lips are shaping silent words:
I see my name as it spills out.
I see them walking on their knees,
Led in a chain by laughing girls.
I see them sucking on the dirt,
As if inhaling the whole world.
And one by one their throats are cut,
And each one sings his choking song.
And each one sings his lullaby,
And each one falls and then he's gone.
And I feel good,
Yeah, I feel fine.
And I feel good.
I've been waiting far too long
I see their bodies in the pyre,
Leaking black smoke into the flames.
And all the people stand around,
Shaping lips into my name.
And soon the sun begins to sink,
Behind a wall of dirty air.
I see their bones there in the pile,
And taste the smell of burning hair.
And all the children howl for miles.
The rain spits down a million knives.
I see you running through the field.
I see you running for your useless life.
I feel you choking on your tongue,
I feel the breath attack your chest.
The dogs are ripping at your feet.
I see you bleeding out your happiness.
And I feel good,
Yeah, I feel fine.
And I feel good.
I finally got back what was always,
Rightfully mine.
(michael gira)
I see them all lined up,
Like naked children at the wall.
Their skin is hanging off in sheets.
Each face is painted like a whore.
Their blood is shining in the sun.
Their wounds are powdered with white salt.
Their lips are shaping silent words:
I see my name as it spills out.
I see them walking on their knees,
Led in a chain by laughing girls.
I see them sucking on the dirt,
As if inhaling the whole world.
And one by one their throats are cut,
And each one sings his choking song.
And each one sings his lullaby,
And each one falls and then he's gone.
And I feel good,
Yeah, I feel fine.
And I feel good.
I've been waiting far too long
I see their bodies in the pyre,
Leaking black smoke into the flames.
And all the people stand around,
Shaping lips into my name.
And soon the sun begins to sink,
Behind a wall of dirty air.
I see their bones there in the pile,
And taste the smell of burning hair.
And all the children howl for miles.
The rain spits down a million knives.
I see you running through the field.
I see you running for your useless life.
I feel you choking on your tongue,
I feel the breath attack your chest.
The dogs are ripping at your feet.
I see you bleeding out your happiness.
And I feel good,
Yeah, I feel fine.
And I feel good.
I finally got back what was always,
Rightfully mine.
Saturday, September 9
Power and Sacrifice.
(michael gira)
I want power
because it feels good.
I want power,
I'll wash America with blood.
I want power,
a clear blue light in the sky.
I feel power,
running through my veins and out my eyes
and into empty, godforsaken minds without reality.
I feel power.
I feel a sacrifice.
I am dead to right or wrong.
I want power,
just like our father knew.
I want power
I'll put my hands in you.
I want power,
though the earth is lost and spinning.
I feel power,
buried in the ground where twenty million
died like heroes stealing this same power that I'm feeling.
I feel power.
I feel a sacrifice.
Now my blood is feeling clean.
And I feel the power burning like a spear inside of me.
I feel good.
I feel right.
(michael gira)
I want power
because it feels good.
I want power,
I'll wash America with blood.
I want power,
a clear blue light in the sky.
I feel power,
running through my veins and out my eyes
and into empty, godforsaken minds without reality.
I feel power.
I feel a sacrifice.
I am dead to right or wrong.
I want power,
just like our father knew.
I want power
I'll put my hands in you.
I want power,
though the earth is lost and spinning.
I feel power,
buried in the ground where twenty million
died like heroes stealing this same power that I'm feeling.
I feel power.
I feel a sacrifice.
Now my blood is feeling clean.
And I feel the power burning like a spear inside of me.
I feel good.
I feel right.
Ennui.
I want to die on my own terms, and soon. I don't want pity, just understanding among those who are capable of it. I want my ashes scattered in a beautiful garden or thick deciduous forest. A redwood forest would suffice in a pinch. I just feel faced with so many choices, and none of them appeal to me.
People know when it's the end, this myth of survival at all cost doesn't wash with me. I've failed at everything. I've been the best person I could and I am I crying my eyes out every morning I wake up, disgusted and drained already at what I must to do face another day. I WANT to go. I want to succeed at that.
People will discover and understand me later. Or they won't, I suppose it won't matter to me. But if I can leave a leagacy of sadness but complete truth, then I want to. Children shouldn't "grow up". Adults should stop and examine their lives; get off the carousel. Get off drugs, of all kinds.
I want to succeed at something. Is this my last hope?
I want to die on my own terms, and soon. I don't want pity, just understanding among those who are capable of it. I want my ashes scattered in a beautiful garden or thick deciduous forest. A redwood forest would suffice in a pinch. I just feel faced with so many choices, and none of them appeal to me.
People know when it's the end, this myth of survival at all cost doesn't wash with me. I've failed at everything. I've been the best person I could and I am I crying my eyes out every morning I wake up, disgusted and drained already at what I must to do face another day. I WANT to go. I want to succeed at that.
People will discover and understand me later. Or they won't, I suppose it won't matter to me. But if I can leave a leagacy of sadness but complete truth, then I want to. Children shouldn't "grow up". Adults should stop and examine their lives; get off the carousel. Get off drugs, of all kinds.
I want to succeed at something. Is this my last hope?
Friday, September 8
Options.
At this point, realistically, I could...
I won't join a home for the disabled. I won't be tortured by woman my whole life. I cannot deal with things I could swear were real but which I am later convinced were not. I can't deal with the big fast world at large, with the corporate world. I'm dead to that world now.
At this point, realistically, I could...
- Stay a recluse, refining my lyrics, guitar playing, and photography
- Kill myself and just be done with it for god's sake
- Work hard to overcome my difficulties and hope the new me is more satisfying than the old one
- Join a Zen monestary and practice zazen for rest of my natural days
I won't join a home for the disabled. I won't be tortured by woman my whole life. I cannot deal with things I could swear were real but which I am later convinced were not. I can't deal with the big fast world at large, with the corporate world. I'm dead to that world now.
The Man Who Died And Went To Earth.
I just wasn't made for this world.
I'm as sweet to people as I can be
I look in their eyes and tell them how I feel
I say complimentary, reasonable things
And my eyes well with tears, because this time
I hope their heart will hear what my words
Are really saying
And be moved, and move the blood that flows
Throughout their body to answer me in kind
With sincerity and human kindness
But there is always a pause, a moment
Of confusion, almost. There is always a pause
And then a complete rejection of what I've
Laid my soul bare to say. An insinuation
That it is an act, a needy contrivance,
Or some kind of trick they haven't quite yet
Figured out, but which must cause events
To shift to my favor somehow selfishly
At their expense.
I feel like an organism from outer space
Or some kind of arcangel
Trapped in a hell of brutal-hearted people
Jockeying for position and
Slaying with malice any hint of
Grace that seeps up through the lawns
Of this world.
I just wasn't made for this world.
I'm as sweet to people as I can be
I look in their eyes and tell them how I feel
I say complimentary, reasonable things
And my eyes well with tears, because this time
I hope their heart will hear what my words
Are really saying
And be moved, and move the blood that flows
Throughout their body to answer me in kind
With sincerity and human kindness
But there is always a pause, a moment
Of confusion, almost. There is always a pause
And then a complete rejection of what I've
Laid my soul bare to say. An insinuation
That it is an act, a needy contrivance,
Or some kind of trick they haven't quite yet
Figured out, but which must cause events
To shift to my favor somehow selfishly
At their expense.
I feel like an organism from outer space
Or some kind of arcangel
Trapped in a hell of brutal-hearted people
Jockeying for position and
Slaying with malice any hint of
Grace that seeps up through the lawns
Of this world.
Companionship.
I want to be amongst friends, people who will listen when I talk and not just wait for their turn to say something unrelated. I want to listen when they speak and offer insighftul responses. Mostly I want to be in the presence of people who are kind, who truly in their hearts care.
I don't want to be alone any more. I value alone time, but from the context of a supportive group of people who care about me and check in on me when I've been gone too long. Walden Pond is not for me. I think I am dying of loneliness.
I've tried so hard in my life to be honest and gentle, caring, passionate, giving. I've never found someone who would give that back to me. I cannot find love. Now I will settle for companionship and hold it to a lesser standard but one which will at least keep me sane. Maybe.
I want to be amongst friends, people who will listen when I talk and not just wait for their turn to say something unrelated. I want to listen when they speak and offer insighftul responses. Mostly I want to be in the presence of people who are kind, who truly in their hearts care.
I don't want to be alone any more. I value alone time, but from the context of a supportive group of people who care about me and check in on me when I've been gone too long. Walden Pond is not for me. I think I am dying of loneliness.
I've tried so hard in my life to be honest and gentle, caring, passionate, giving. I've never found someone who would give that back to me. I cannot find love. Now I will settle for companionship and hold it to a lesser standard but one which will at least keep me sane. Maybe.
Lazarus in a parallel world where Jesus was never born.
I don't know why I was born,
I didn't ask to be
I don't know why I was raised the way I was
I don't know why I'm needy
Which is what they call someone who is like a flower
In a hurricane
And just wants to love someone and be loved back
I don't know why I am punished for this
Surrounded by people
Who can't stand me
I don't know why I'm even alive
If I was damned from the get-go
I don't know how many people would even care
If I let go.
I don't know why I was born,
I didn't ask to be
I don't know why I was raised the way I was
I don't know why I'm needy
Which is what they call someone who is like a flower
In a hurricane
And just wants to love someone and be loved back
I don't know why I am punished for this
Surrounded by people
Who can't stand me
I don't know why I'm even alive
If I was damned from the get-go
I don't know how many people would even care
If I let go.
To Untitled.
You tell me I should get out there,
See other people
See what the world has to offer
In its coffers
But I don't want to be a lone ranger
Alone in anger, stranger than stone
I don't want to cast any shadow longer
Than my hands can own
Instead I'll be your friend forever
Stick by your side
Till you realize
That I'm the one for you
If it's not love, it's not true
Maybe you won't understand for years
Or ever want my hand
But if you do, I'll be here
I'll be your man.
You tell me I should get out there,
See other people
See what the world has to offer
In its coffers
But I don't want to be a lone ranger
Alone in anger, stranger than stone
I don't want to cast any shadow longer
Than my hands can own
Instead I'll be your friend forever
Stick by your side
Till you realize
That I'm the one for you
If it's not love, it's not true
Maybe you won't understand for years
Or ever want my hand
But if you do, I'll be here
I'll be your man.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
