Can't stop myself from crying so much. Hitting my hands against a pillow, shaking. Feeling like screaming, bawling. Can't stop bawling. I don't know why I'm this sad. Why life seems so lonely. In this jam packed planet we all live our own lonely lives in our own heads, like flickering lights of old motels in a vast, vast wilderness, unable to connect to one another except fleetingly and by chance. There are people who feel loved, safe, secure in their sanity, who know the floor isn't going to drop any second, who can play at being sad and pay homage to life's tragedies. I've been this person at times. Then there are people for whom it's nothing to be messed with; even to write poetry about it dresses up what is such an ugly thing. Real depression is so ugly, real anxiety so unfunny and unsporting.

lady of ice
fire melts below your soft stare and you scare me
into loving you
what a world twirled in the palm of your mind
you wield and still will a patience greater than mine

even the stars in my dreams cannot shine light
bright enough to bathe me in the coldness of your smile
alocin, inebria the gold
what a rotten time human beings have of necessity
in perplexity of growing old

it's nighttime now in so many ways
the last fading rays of happiness are dying
and all of the things i was looking forward to are undoable
or not worth the doing
i still hear footfalls trod upon my ceiling, night and day
someone can't seem to fall asleep or stay away
and ashtrays... smells like someone's been smoking by the pool again
they made a rule against that

they even put up some new board to cut off the shortcut
people were taking to the 7-eleven
we kicked that through in less than a day
and I'm on may way home with a heart charged with hope
maybe cope, good emails, chat, documentaries, a night for me
but i still hear those damn footfalls and I realize with a huffed release of breath
none of these things which I have anticipated so greatly
are worth the doing, delay death.

But I'm HERE I know I'm here. I can see myself, reflected on the screen, I know I can make noise, I feel love, I feel love. Let me... No, no. Forget me.

and the ultimate insult.
who are you? you're a name on a computer. you're not even real.

No one wants to be alone
Some people want adoring fans
Everyone wants someone who truly loves them.

I'm afraid Dave
My mind is going
I can feel it
I can feel it

Four Eternal Truths of the Metaplane:
There is no death in the metaplane.
Everything is likely to have symbolic or multiple meanings.
Nothing need be true, but much is. No help is given in this regard.
Read and you will find philosophy, negativism, beauty, and great music and words.

Family is worth it. All I've wanted. Wanted back. Wanted a chance. Jesus Christ, can't a man with feelings at least get that.

A new start? Or the same thing. Or nothing.
I cannot decide. White, wide eyes.

Final words.

I may not blog again for awhile, if ever again.

To all those of you who knew me well, who knew I was so near the edge, who knew I was living a living hell and yet chose to do nothing, or cop out on some basis or other, fuck you. I wish I had never met you in the first place and whatever pain my death causes, if any, I hope it burrows into your hearts and remains there as a reminder of your inhumanity your entire life.

To those who didn't know the extent of my torment, but to whom I was always extremely polite and considerate, to whom I showed real affection without expectation of reward, but who rebuffed my goodwill for no good reason that could be put into words, fuck you. It's shallow people like you that make living such a burden on those of us who truly feel and care.

To those who once loved me but burnt out, who changed, who found empowerment in selfish creeds designed to absolved the self blame from years of mistreatment, who have no recognizable soul, fuck you. You'll end up in the deepest pit of Hell, betrayal, and I will never cross paths with you again as your sentence in meted out over an eternity. You are the worst.

To those of those who truly cared, who cared to the end, who treated me with compassion and listened to me, I thank you. I am sorry it came to this but please don't change. You are the fraction of one percent of good people on this earth that save it from being a total loss. I'm sorry I couldn't pull through for you, but don't ever blame yourself. Without you, I'd have never make it as far as I did. Goodbye.

Lamilla

All I know

-You are in a nightmare. You have never known what it is like to be outside this nightmare, except when you were very young, or at odd moments here and there in your life. You will probably not wake from this nightmare in a lasting way the rest of your life.

/But I've had good days, weeks... even some months that seem uneventful or fairly pleasant.

-Those were part of the nightmare. They were to renormalize you so you wouldn't get too jaded by all the bad things. So that the things that are terrible about nightmares can scare you all over again.

/Why me?

-We cannot give you that information.

/Can I do anything to change this? Do I have to accept Jesus Christ as my savior or something?

-None of that would matter.

/But this is so sadistic. What kind of a universe would allow this kind of thing to happen?

-The one you live in. We have no more information for you. Goodbye.

Here & Now

Stay here now. It is all there is.
My mind will float to times of agony and bliss
In circumstances like hers
Full of life and facing a wide open world
Terrified but with no sense of terror
Ready for whatever happens
And money behind her to ease the way.

Stay here. I do more than dream.
I think about all the good things
In the windows of the people who played along
That I have never seen
Because I flew out the top of that system
I was far too good at everything
But I had no soul inside me.

Now I sit on a park bench being polite to people.
Now I am semi-wise. I know to watch the big ducks
Watch how they steal from the little ducks
I should have chosen one thing
But heaven doesn't give out prizes
And heaven doesn't exist in the real world
And nobody cares if your live or you die.

So live right now. Stay here,
Keep the silence loud.

Fire.

I have not had the time
Time unends
Where do our lives go
Around the next bend or
Somewhere far away
Beyond the golden moon
To the central heart
Or to the open wound

Fire halos
Wreath our heads tonight
I am lame with anguish
I am damned by pride
In the outer spaces
Truths we found inside
Tremoring
Like the serpent's slide

I have not had the time
Time begins again
Where do our minds go
When it's time to go?
Along the avenue
Beneath the deepest grey
Hold your thoughts to you
Watch them burn away

Desert skies
Wind figures swoon and rise
Play in my eyes
Out beyond the shifting peaks
Fatal sleep
Death waits with patient teeth
Fatal distance
Out where the shimmers pool around
Chances fade
Rushing gusts make the only sound
Heaven bound
Flailing with frantic limbs
Day begins
Desert skies bring fire again.

Good and Evil.

They who seize the moment and find power there
They are evil
They who possess honest ambition
And a will to drive themselves onward
They are evil
To be happy everyday
And not care what anyone thinks about it
And not worry about the judgment time
Is to be good after all
And the soldiers of nice feeling
And happy time
They know what good is
Good is love above all else
And staying humble when the world around you crumbles
Good is what we are given
On the moment of our birth
And what we try so hard to destroy in our lives
The men who educate us
Into their corporate world
And praise our courage but encourage us on
Who raise the red gun but never the white flag
And who are only trying their best to succeed
They are evil
They look into you with their yellow eyes
Convinced of purpose
Never letting go
This is evil
It is the only sense of the word.

Porn.

Is destiny written
does time as a concept escape definition
my mind wants to break my thoughts down
nothing lost
means nothing can be found
sound
made from the rhythm of motion
bound
acting like a wave in an ocean of space
allow me to answer your question
how
I say it with more conviction now
truth is stranger than fiction
last but not least let's erase the beginning
upside down and start from the ending
time ticks form in a circle
stop
each time round when I reach the top
and fate
means different things to different people
I'm back to believing in good and evil.

Administrative at my heart
Lost in shadow left for dead and torn apart
There is apathy in the widest view a
Man can take in this day and age
Universal sufferage plays savage games
I balk at my own shadow:
Where have I been now, for how long, how?

Lining up the answers for a possible
Return to the living splendor of life
But left unbidden high and dry
Mathematically dying
These are the concentric circles
We label our lives, like the title game
Where three scores and a commercial break
A triumphant season can make
We lift our eyes to the horizon

Break now upon my rockiest shore
This is what encouragement is for
You take a heart stripped of all ambition
Force it to change its position
And leave the confines of your prison once more
Explore the shiny bits you haven't
Dared to speak of before, adoring.

CalgaryWell I'm off (soon) ... be back next week.

It's impossible to encapsulate the past. The past took up as much time as all the future will. Its moments can only be paired off against the moments trickling past us now, aligned in Cantor fashion.

And still, the fish swim, knowing they need air and food.
And still, the lizard on the rock warms his blood to survive.
And here am I. What am I?

I'm only the observer.

(photo by Philip Greenspun)

Rise sometime
Day's already gone by
Life is advancing
Drifting further away
Come what may
My eyes can't focus so I rub them
And time keeps passing
I can't escape the rain that falls I'm
Still staring down this lifetime sentence
These years of gloom and rage
Still feel a fight on my the tips of my fingers
No matter what I say to her
But weaker men than I have lived
To be as weak as they were.

Too much to ask?

All I want is a small but tidy, neatly organized home where I have a fireplace or wood stove, enough room for my books, and a small writing desk with a comfortable chair and a friendly lamp.