Wednesday, July 30


Life is horrific.

What we call life, this endless variety
Of organized matter that developed tissue
Differentiation, body plans, digestive systems,
Locomotion, nerve centers, musculature,
Weapons, armor, better weapons, better armor,
And better weapons is just what it seems:
An arms race to compete for a scarcity of
Resources. It is the desire to procure resources
At the expense of others that drives life onward,
That, indeed, IS life. No other motive, no art,
No wonder of gazing upon stars, postulating
Any higher purpose, no desire to build for aesthetics,
No propoganda of righteousness, no inner reflection,
No knowledge for its own sake, no experimentation,
No pleasure seemingly benign or existential,
No sense of beauty or springboard of new ideas
To propel us into the stars or into the future,
No altruism, no city-building, no bright exchange
Of colorful words, beguiling music, no religion
Or feeling of wonder nor diversity of culture,
No race to cure disease or dreams of the noble savage;
Not one of these things can offer a greater reason
For our existence, and for the existence of all that
Walks, crawls, writhes, swings, digs, or flies
Around us, than that very coarse and humiliating
Base fact that belies the motivations of them all.




images used under 'free use' act. all rights reserved.

Sunday, July 20




too much 21st century
(bauhaus)

there outta be
something better

a better singer
a better actor
better job

better money
better get her
a better lover
better not

too much luck
too much conceit
give me one religion
it's too much

too much passing
information

too much selfish
too much fake
too much computer
too much to take
it's too much

too much effort
too much, kid
too much control
control
it's too much

bet you want to
be something better
a better singer
a better actor
better job

better money
better get her
better love her
better not

ready?
a better human

it's too much
it's too much
oh yeah.

Something tells me this won't sell...

Friday, July 18


Half-life

I'm not alive
At best I'm only half alive
I sleep, and breathe, and
Occasionally I eat
But I have no will to strive
For that elusive something
People need to have
That keeps them from destruction
Allows them to survive.




Hurt
(Trent Reznor)

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Saturday, July 12

Last of Chris Cornell for awhile, I promise!



Doesn't Remind Me.
(Cornell)

I walk the streets of Japan till I get lost
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
With a graveyard tan, carrying a cross
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like studying faces in a parking lot
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like driving backwards in the fog
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

The things that I've loved, the things that I've lost
The things I've held sacred, that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need to forget

I like gypsy moths and radio talk
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like gospel music and canned applause
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like colorful clothing in the sun
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like hammering nails and speaking in tongues
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

The things that I've loved, the things that I've lost
The things I've held sacred, that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need...

Bend and shape me
I love the way you are
Slow and sweetly
Like never before
Calm and sleeping
We won't stir up the past
So discretely
We won't look back

The things that I've loved, the things that I've lost
The things I've held sacred, that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need...

I like throwing my voice and breaking guitars
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like playing in the sand - what's mine is ours
If it doesn't remind me of anything.



Friday, July 11

France.

I want to live in France for about five years and learn the language and customs thoroughly - well, as thoroughly as is possible in that amount of time. I'll always be an American, and though I love British culture, am awed by French culture, and respect German culture very much - not to mention many other nationalities worldwide, each with something to offer - I keep coming back to France and the UK as the other "prime movers and shakers" of the last few hundred years. That was where the scientific revolution began (in step with Holland, Germany, Austria, and Italy); That is where excess consumption (a bad thing, but fascinating in its own way) reached its zenith; that (along with Spain, Britain, and Portugal) is where the largest navies and thus colonial trade & conquer policies sprang from. In short, France is on the short list of nations who have shaped the modern world, in my own opinion in this order:

1. Great Britain
2. Spain
3. France
4. Holland
5. The United States

...and you could argue from there. Certainly the Portuguese did their part in "forming"/exploiting the third world; so did Germany to a lesser extent and Italy to an even lesser one. These were the dominant colonial powers and they spread their influence worldwide.

The UK speak English, charming as it is. Spanish I have a rudimentary understanding of still, though I find it not such a pretty language or culture, just personally. This leaves France, at once probably the most sophisticated and scientifically accomplished nation during The Enlightenment as well as the most arrogant and least courageous or savvy in battle amongst the elite powers. It's a study in contradiction, much like the USA, and I find myself drawn by my French blood to discover more of this ancient culture and language.

The cooking, wine, and site-seeing are top-notch, and the language is beautiful, so why not? Not having even stepped foot in the country (The closest I came was Cologne and Aachen which are cities in modern Germany once were part of Charlemagne's France/Gaul), I find myself compelled to visit, and perhaps more than visit. I want to understand the full history, understand the language, and appreciate the Frankish pride that is so often derided. As an American, I can well appreciate that something wonderful can also appear ostentatious or oppressive, depending on who's assessing it. I think France is an important country and I intend to live there for a portion on my life!

20 Languages
I'd like to learn fluently, in order:

1. French
2. Spanish
3. Latin
4. German
5. Greek
6. Magyar (Hungarian)
7. Elvish (Sindarin and Quenya)
8. Dutch
9. Olde English
10. Swedish
11. Finnish
12. Olde Norse
13. Icelandic
14. Hebrew
15. Russian
16. Coptic (Old Egyptian)
17. Italian
18. Gaelic (Irish & Welsh)
19. Portuguese
20. Turkish

You could comment if you like by listing the languages you are personally interested in. It could be just top 10, top 5, or just the languages you find fascinating, unnumbered.

Tuesday, July 8

Geostationary orbits. Lagrange points?

Special Relativity

Good God, what a misnomer. I feel drenched from
Feelings I can no longer place border to border
My mind is like a jukebox that is no long in order
It plays random tunes by itself, ghostly and then proud
But always loud. And I like it uncomfortably loud.
Always, they can dispose of me, but no one cares enough
Or even knows me.

When I was small I felt everything at all.
As I grew it became less chaotically great, but more
Satisfying in that I had some control.
I could kick a bastard in the face
Or I could be the most sensitive
Inquisitive and humanitarian person of all,
At least theoretically.

To feel everything come to a head now, at the end of our lives
Makes it seem almost as though history were simply made for our lives
Why this special frame of reference for me in my time? And you?
The point where billions of slow years of accumulation
Has pushed the coil toward infinite acceleration is through,
And the transition between these two very different realities was now.
Twenty years, two hundred, somewhere thereabouts:
I find it hard to believe there isn't some special relevance, somehow.

Do I sound like a theist? Deism is all I will concede, at gunpoint
Breathing on eggshells, pincushions for lungs, trembling, a nervous beast
Penned up; to find your hold on reality is slipping is one thing,
To trade something for nothing quite another; ideas can't just be taken away
Alternatives must exist and they can be swapped for each other
Or else where is the sense? To what aim is a life force to bend itself then?
I feel the sickness of sudden deceleration in the nerves beneath my skin.

And these eyes have seen enough.
Bring it to a close, soon I hope, with dignity if possible
Or with a rusty machete
If dignity ain't ready.
This stomach can't swallow any more pride or this
Heart hurt anymore inside me today. So I'm
Packing up my mind to shuffle toward any light that may save me.

Or to fully embrace my last moment of voluntary angst
And move on to nothingness, if that is what truly awaits "ME"

And good God, it's muggy out
Hot and sweaty, buggy
Without it feeling healthy at all
That sun
Slowing me to a crawl
And after I get home, I might fall
On my bed
But for now, I'm still chugging
Hoping for a cool spell or something
Some respite of calm and collected thoughts,
One restful night would be good
Before the end of it all.

Please don't forget me - I really love you all.

But there is something wrong with my mind
And I can't rewind, can't make figures of clay
Like YHWH, and cry out that they are now alive.
I cannot thrive in a world that is this way.
My friends of now and yesterday,
My heart goes out to you in spades.

Every time I emerge from a conflict between pragmatism
And the ideals I hold dearer than my own being
I emerge the worse for it
And it's simply getting harder and harder to pretend.
My life is a mess with only one visible end.

But please don't forget me - I really love you all
To the extent I am capable.

(dedicated to "zwida")


Thursday, July 3


Be Yourself.

(Chris Cornell)

Someone falls to pieces sleeping all alone,
And someone kills the pain.
Spinning in the silence,
She finally drifts away.

Someone gets excited in a chapel yard
And catches a bouquet.
Another lays a dozen white roses on a grave.

To be yourself is all that you can do.
To be yourself is all that you can do.

Someone finds salvation in everyone,
Another only pain.
Someone tries to hide himself,
Down inside himself he prays.

Someone swears his true love until the end of time,
Another runs away.
Separate or united,
Healthy or insane...

And to be yourself is all that you can do.
To be yourself is all that you can do.

Even when you've paid enough,
Been put upon, or been held up
With every single memory of
The good or bad faces of luck,
Don't lose any sleep tonight,
I'm sure everything will end up alright;
You may win or lose...

But to be yourself is all that you can do.
To be yourself is all that you can do.
To be yourself is all that you can do.
To be yourself is all that you can do.

Monday, June 30

Paris is 3,000 years older than first thought.

(don't believe me, though.)

(photo by Declan McCullagh)
Migrating stingrays off the Yucatan peninsula.

(AP photo)

Wacom Cintiq

While I'm being materialistic, I'll take one of these Cintiq 20WSX 20" wide-aspect touchscreen monitors from Wacom. It uses a pen (stylus) like their other drawing tablets, but now you can just doodle, write, paint, make selections or corrections, or play games directly on the screen instead of a big grey pad corresponding to the monitor. What a great idea! It'll look nice next to my iPhone too :-)

It's only $1999, a bargain!

Sunday, June 29


Jaguar

(unknown credit)
Maybe the emperor wears no clothes because he wants to know how it feels.

People build empires. Empires fall into ruins. Ruins are appreciated by people. People end up dying, in pain, but usually not before creating another empire of sorts from a microscopic seed within them.

The world is a cycle. We are born confused, amnesic. We runs through the greenest grass as children, eternal. Then hatred sets in for what we have lost as we are given the shabby, rusted keys to the 'real' kingdom. Some modicum of peace may settle over some. Some look directly upward and become dizzy and they never recover. We all end up underground or scattered to the wind or simply gone, another ruined empire.

The universe is a balance. There are dark stars which need hang in the heavens every bit as much as yellow suns and supernovae. Swirling chaos is beautiful. Orderliness is ugly. They each embody within them the other trait as well. A boundless space is horrifying, a single novel delightful. But that can change if we want it to.

Music has to be this way. People who only like light music or happy music are limited and inane. People who stoke the flames of adrenaline too often burn out in their own simplicity. Music has to be light and dark, fast and slow, melodic and discordant.

Dan Fogelberg needs Leonard Cohen. Tim Buckley needs Martin L. Gore. Dead Can Dance needs Swans. Crowded House and Billy Brag need David Bowie and Nick Cave and REM needs Violent Femmes and U2 apparently needs no-one and 'new country' music deserves no-one. But the principle holds. The most beautiful opera ever sang deserves the saddest dirge capable of conjuring. Every rousing, majestic symphonic climax that sends one's soul exalting amongst the angels has a counterpart, somewhere, in the most sublime pianoforte solo or delicately-fingered harp.

People who don't understand this and embrace it miss most of what life has to offer. People who don't listen to me over years and years of trying to force their eyes open and yet who convert at the drop of a pin when hearing the same thing from somebody on TV, are frustrating to say the least. These people seem to need the stamp of 'authority,' as perceived authority lends credence in their minds, rather than valuing equally what others might have to offer and, finally and most fundamentally, their own ears and mind and heart.

I've had very few people who I've been extremely close to in my life. Trying to open their minds to new and universal experiences only to find my assumed parochial insights amounted to nearly nothing, while those whom they'd never met by virtue of some vulgar fame could sway their tastes in an instant has been one of the most irritating experiences for me. It makes me feel an artistic solitude and an otherness from those whom I would truly love to see handed the shiny keys to new heights, new depths. Of sound, of mind, of character, of the living experience.

Music is just one topic I chose to illustrate my point, but it's an important one to me. Maybe the most important. Truly though: Visual art, literature, poetry, travel, cuisine, or any unopened physical or mental vista is something to be crashed into head on and just thanked from the bottom of one's heart that it exists at all. Positive (in existence) material aspects of the world never take away from what is already there; they don't ruin other things. People only believe they do. Find what you like and favor it perhaps, but keep your mind always, always open to new additions and don't shut down and die inside. Don't languish in a tiny cage of your own construction surrounded by easy interests. It's the challenges that makes one grow, that make for a full life, that make us even be alive in any meaningful sense.

Life is a circle. The clock goes round and round, a beautiful blue world makes larger loops about its parent star. There are precious few of these loops we have in front of us, whatever our age. Why not see/hear/smell/taste/touch/read/feel/do all that we can in those years? Or shall we die experientially impoverished? To the universe, or even to your siblings or best friends, perhaps, it makes no difference. But hopefully it does to those who really love you. I wouldn't call a closed mind and a settled life much of a life at all. I don't pretend to truly know anything, if that is even a sensible statement. But I feel in the core of my body that the pursuit of new delights and broader and broader expanses upon which to gaze and take stock is one of the only worthwhile things, philosophically, a person can pursue.

And when you come upon something new, for god's sake shut your mind's chatter up for a few minutes and listen. Observe. Take it all in without distraction. Breathe. Ahhhh. Do you feel that? THAT is life, and the good news is it's happening every second of every day, with or without your participation. All you need to do is merge with it.
My friend Mario.


Gems

There are so many wounded people in this world
With souls wrapped in ice to keep them from aching
And others to take credit for what they make,
And keep their hearts breaking.
There are so many tragic lives upon this world,

I don't know that I'd do any of it again
People can be so senselessly cruel and not believe it
When everyone else knows,
When it shows in the depths of their eyes
The ignorance and heartlessness makes me despise

That I was ever brought into such an ugly mess;
I chose and choose wrongly and so do the rest.
But when others mess up they don't confess,
Just go on living smugly and blessed,
Or so they figure in the depths of their chest;

But these kind of people are the filler of the world,
The styrofoam popcorn you plunge your hands through
When you lunge for that thing which excites you.
There are always in this enormous world very rare gems
But not many I've ever met can shine like them.


California Poppies.

(sias)
If

And if I could do it for you, I would.
Close your eyes when you felt tired
And mired in a mood.

And if I could change the world for Good,
Then I would be a better man by far
Than life's made me.

You gave me the power to hope again, to love.
I don't want to throw it away out of pride,
You make me feel more understood.

And if I can love you the way that you need
Without hurting either of us permanently,
I'll hurl away planets that rush in our way
And kiss you and be with you night after day

And love you the way you love me.
I'm up for anything if you've got the time,
So please come share some of mine,
'Cause time and love are free.

Saturday, June 28


iPhone 3G

Once it gets more internal memory (say 64 GB or so), you can get me one of these.


Thanks.
Q'eleedra

lady of ice
fire melts below your soft stare and you scare me
into loving you
what a world twirled in the palm of your mind
you wield and still will a patience greater than mine

even the stars in my dreams cannot shine light
bright enough to bathe me in the cold radiance of your smile
Alocin, inebria the gold
what a rotten time human beings of have of necessity
in perplexity of growing old.

in person

i want to visit people in person.
see them in person.
sit with them in person.
talk to them in person.
laugh with them in person.
cry with them in person.
play a game in person.
enjoy a meal together in person.
have coffee or tea with them in person.
have a glass of wine with them in person.
share conversation deep into the night
know that i will be alright
when the morning comes
and i can see the light for myself
in person.


Music & Books.

What kind of world would exist without music?
Music dominates my life, is the soundtrack
To my dabblings and triumphs and loneliness
I have a song for each mood and a
Mood, yes, for each song, each GOOD song
And what would life be without clothes
That are comfortable and classic?
I've also noticed most people don't
Continue to educate themselves
Throughout their lives. Why do they stop?
This I cannot understand; I do nothing else.
What do they do in their free time?
Oh, that's right, they watch sports
And network television and reality shows.
It sends chills up my spine
Makes me think most people on the planet
Are less than half alive.
If I don't learn a new word, a new skill,
A new program, a shortcut, or produce
Something I can show other people
Every single day I feel I've lost all
My piss and vinegar and will probably
Be a marshmallow within the week. But these...
People? They exists within a world
Of work and half-remembered nights
That vary little from one to the next
It must be a practice purgatory of sorts
To get ready them for a future of not existing.

Friday, June 27

UNTITLED

I won't let my heart be broken again
It could happen anyway
I'm not going to stop flying because
A little rain is pouring down
I won't let my body and mind fail like
They did once before
I'm too young to stop riding trains,
Driving fast cars
And snapping photos of anything weird.

And if my chest ever cracks in two
The little voice in my head says cuckoo
I'll simply soldier on, as though
A simple soldering iron lay on my arm
And I purposely paid no attention
It may not be the easiest way to go,
But it will feel real until the end
With no ropes or tubes or meds.


Thursday, June 26

(sias)

Une petite mort.

Beneath the heavens
There are demons of both sexes
Not out to charm or sway opinions
Not to issue hexes or
Drag you to their dominions
Rather they are ordinary people
With a void where their heart should be
This isn't me.

But beneath overcast skies
Small Hitlers get by
With hungry gleams in their eyes
It could be your lifelong friend
Your lover you'd cling to til the end
It could be your own kin
But demons are not interested in
Anything but your destruction.

Above the sky there are angels
Who are powerless to stop these demons
Who are very pretty to look at
For an hour or two
Until they lose interest in you
And carry on grooming their wings
Creatures made for higher things
Than your little death brings.

And above all in this play
There is both God and Devil,
Two-faced embodiment of absolute
Apathy within the universe.
It doesn't care if you're here nor there
If you're devoured or your spared
And its head spins around with frowns
And the wicked smiles of mirthless clowns.


MUSIC!

Chris Cornell, playing acoustic guitar only, in a small club in Sweden. This was his only his second ever run through of this this song supposedly!

The song was written while Audioslave were touring and Hurricane Katrina hit. If you listen to the lyrics of the song this is obvious, as is the indictment of FEMA and the White House for "sleeping at a time, when you should have been wide awake."

Cornell's voice is hard to find adjectives for. There are all kinds of voices in rock - smooth like Jack Johnson, heavenly like Jeff Buckley, full of gravitas like Leonard Cohen, crooning like Mozzer's. But Cornell's... Well, just listen. The only person I think can give him a run for his money is Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder.

I'll give you his revamped version of Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean" as a bonus and as Exhibit #2 of his voice and sheer emotiveness.





These versions are both from the album "Chris Cornell: Unplugged in Sweden (2006)" by the way. I can't recommend that album highly enough. 12 of the 13 tracks are nearly perfect. One of my favorite CDs in the last year or two (since I discovered it).

Tuesday, June 24


HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

I DON'T WHO I AM.

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