Lifescream

The world is pain
Cut feet on cut glass
I sit and read and try to think
Watch and learn
Learn how everything works
Work on watching even harder
So I can somehow make sense of it all
But it never gets any easier

I'll overanalyze myself all my life
Existing only to look in I wonder
Why I was put inside my skin
To flail and flounder on the shores
Of a world where action is king
And understanding without conviction
Expressed by the movement of muscles
Is nothing

Just ask the YMCA
Where I played soccer and swam
Ask all the teachers I've ever had
Who have seen the look in my eyes
Peer into my dreams for just a night
Assuming I am sleeping
The world is full of pain
And I'm silently screaming

Unreal

Craziness has come over me. I've gone mad. I'm not the same person from day to day. I don't recognize myself in emails I've written, don't remember people I've talked to at long lengths, things I've done and said and promised. I never go out, and time passes somehow, but I have no way to measure it and I can't tell if it's going slow or really fast. I'm in a body and life I don't recognize. I have a new computer, I've been talking to new people. Or are they the same people? People who were once familiar are dying off, slowly. That must mean life is rushing very fast. But I don't feel it. Is it the effexor? Is it the klonopin? Am I bipolar? Depersonalized? Insane without realizing it? Just what exactly is going on here? The Lakers lost? How long ago was that, and why are baseball games on the radio? When I have some yardstick, some mirror from the past to peer into, I feel completely different from one time period to the next (days? weeks? mere hours?)... but from within me, in the moment, I can't tell that anything is changing. Like a person who is in an airplane, moving fast, but hardly aware. But when I look back and see emails, notes, here people tell me things I said, remind me who they are, and cannot for the life of me make any connection, it's scary as hell. I'm so disconnected to reality right now. Disconnected to being a human being at all, more like some ambient presence always haunting these rooms, watching 'me' go through the motions of life. But it's not real. It doesn't seem real. And it's not a life I like or that's even worth living, yet I guess in each moment I find something to do and go on. I even see that I've been really giddy or talkative or profound or serious or flirtatious. But they all feel like different skins; different suits I've slipped into and slid out of. None of them feel like this person right now, ME. Or is this me? I need help.

A Lucid Moment

Grabbed a peek
Felt back inside
Came out of hiding
And it's all I seek
It's what I need
To see the sun before it
Goes behind the clouds again
Before the noise gets
Too goddamn loud again
Just need this peace

Grab me a seat
I want to get out of it
And run around doing
All that I haven't been doing
For my years have grown bleak
Like a film without a
Happy ending
But I'm bending the rules
For a day or two
Maybe more.

torch blown out

in the everlasting darkness
that always blankets me now I walk
about in circles looking for a way out
but these walls were built around me
there's nowhere else I can go
it seems I've got no will of my own
and I can't seem to find my way home

sleeping forever
dreaming forever
a forever sleep
is what you get
when you sink too deep

ça va sans dire
ça va sans dire
ça va sans dire