short on breath.

i know i'm alive because i can hear the shortness of my breath. i can feel the emptiness in my stomach. sense my right arm falling asleep. i have a slight headache because my jaw is clenched when my attention is not on it, commanding it to relax.

i know i'm alive because i remember things and i have talked to a couple people today. because i can smell some food from last night that i need to throw away. because my eyes in the mirror see themselves, and there is understanding.

even though i can demonstrate empirically that i am alive, i feel dead. there are no emotions inside me. i can't imagine wanting to do a single thing at the moment, i just know i need to get out of bed for awhile. it's 4 in the afternoon, and i went to bed at 7pm last night. i've only slept part of that time, the rest has been spent staring at the ceiling and walls.

my life should be an embarrassment of riches. yet it feels as impoverished as the children you see on the news who are starving. even the sickening rollercoaster ride of anxiety has left me alone for a few days. now i'm just a null set.