Going off benzos for good

What's heart-rending is that while I can exist without medication, to a point, I feel so much better when I am on a moderate amount of antianxiety medication. It's not euphoric in an extreme sense. It's not an end destination. But it does bring out a part of me that feels good, so new and strange and wonderfully good, like a truer me released from bondage. I live with fear and uncertainty all the time. But sometimes, I can let go of this and experience the sublime, absorb the details and feel complete. It falls apart if I overdo the inputs, but there is a threshold where I feel liberated. As I've said, free from expectation, neuroses, doubt, excessive rationalization. It's like first mind, direct experience. It's wonderful. It's not over the top, it's not under the radar; it's me, with all my timing and that which makes me who I am intact, and I have conscious control of it. Just pure enjoyment. No thought of harm to others. No timidity. This is my creative sanctuary, but more, it is my release of all pretense and attachment to what the world thinks. It is not evil, or destructive, or chaotic, or wasteful - it is lovely and positive and my heart slows, then jumps; my retinas can recall the hazy, technicolor vividness of reality. Experience is consumed whole. I am lost within the time, I cherish it, and it creates a wistful smile missed by so many but felt like birth or death within me. But these targets grow smaller and move further away and hitting them has become near impossible. It's too easy to overshoot into incoherant stupor. The toll of destruction has begun to mount even as salvation recedes. Utopias always end.