Tuesday, December 12
10 December 2006
- I became anxious, moved into a full-blown out of body panic attack which klonopin didn't help, and became unusually suicidal more than just scared.
- I felt I was having a psychotic breakdown; I don't know exactly what is meant by psychosis, but my hold on reality became quite tenuous.
- I felt death by my own hand was imminent, and I welcomed it. I didn't want to call for help, just to say goodbye to a few people.
- I suddenly became tremendously sad for so many things in my past and cried uncontrollably for a time.
- Realizing I might actually carry through with a suicide plan this time, I regained some cogency and made a few notes for people to find.
- These notes described what I would like done with my writings, computer files, and the rest, and how people should be notified.
- As of this moment (Dec 10th) I am still in the throes of this madness, and I don't know whether I will ever emerge. I suspect I will.
- I don't want to be hospitalized. I want to make it on my own because either I have it within me to do so, or I want to move on to the next world.
- I feel alone when I am isolated, but no more than when I am surrounded by crowds. Only in the company of a lover or good friend do I feel some thawing of the mind.
- I feel separated from my body and its actions. I feel like I am watching a movie of my life.
Monday, December 11
If you don't like what I post here then don't read it. I'm not trying to offend anyone or garner sympathy, this is just my journal. Lots of people have deep dark things in their journals. Mine just has the stones to be up on the web. And I usually write when I'm down, so it's going to be biased that way too. I'm not always an empty, morose person. But when I am, I blog about it.
Publish my book; it's almost done.
Archive my things, the ones that matter.
Be my Christopher Tolkien.
Do what you will with material items.
Someone get my voice files to Nic, Debbie, and Jessica.
Please find Nicola. Tell her I really did love her.
Call her dad or her mom. Numbers on my cell phone.
Don't be afraid people! I'm not afraid, not anymore.
It's a vast sea but there's a friendly shore
I've seen in my dream, maybe even before.
Archive my things, the ones that matter.
Be my Christopher Tolkien.
Do what you will with material items.
Someone get my voice files to Nic, Debbie, and Jessica.
Please find Nicola. Tell her I really did love her.
Call her dad or her mom. Numbers on my cell phone.
Don't be afraid people! I'm not afraid, not anymore.
It's a vast sea but there's a friendly shore
I've seen in my dream, maybe even before.
10,500
If I could go back to the beginning by ending this time, this age
And picking up where a new one left off, and is starting
Where the golden sun awoke again from the turmoil of the ageless
Pall-black ocean and made the world special
I would
But six years may be too long to wait
And a hundred thousand people in my town alone mill about like ants
Except not as cohesive or functional; they spend time fighting each other
And in their inefficiency leave so much to be desired, but ants do not
Desire, and they are inefficient by themselves as well
Maybe I am too unkind
Maybe everything unwinds like a stone clock carved into granite walls
And Olmec heads do not depict separate ethnic races
And there is no master civilization
And maybe all my words are words of madness and desperation
Except for one thing:
To me they are truth
And I can only live my life and make choices
Based on my perception of the truth.
If I could go back to the beginning by ending this time, this age
And picking up where a new one left off, and is starting
Where the golden sun awoke again from the turmoil of the ageless
Pall-black ocean and made the world special
I would
But six years may be too long to wait
And a hundred thousand people in my town alone mill about like ants
Except not as cohesive or functional; they spend time fighting each other
And in their inefficiency leave so much to be desired, but ants do not
Desire, and they are inefficient by themselves as well
Maybe I am too unkind
Maybe everything unwinds like a stone clock carved into granite walls
And Olmec heads do not depict separate ethnic races
And there is no master civilization
And maybe all my words are words of madness and desperation
Except for one thing:
To me they are truth
And I can only live my life and make choices
Based on my perception of the truth.
All My Love.
All the love I have to give would not be enough
To heal you completely but I give it anyway
I want nothing in return except to see you smile
Someday
Without that dark edge of weariness
Carved around your golden brown eyes
It takes everything I have to let you go right now
So that you can survive
All the rain that has fallen has not extinguished your flame
If you believe in yourself, then it never can
I'm only a wanderer who's gone lost in the woods
Circling around on his own muddy tracks
You found me and took me into your heart and led me back
To civilization again
And you claim to have thin skin
But all the brutality of this world hasn't made you crack
If I had happiness in my heart to share,
I would give it all to you
But I think the creation of happiness takes two
And all my love, such as it is,
Is yours as long as you can bear; I will be here
To hold you in my arms when you leave your cocoon.
All the love I have to give would not be enough
To heal you completely but I give it anyway
I want nothing in return except to see you smile
Someday
Without that dark edge of weariness
Carved around your golden brown eyes
It takes everything I have to let you go right now
So that you can survive
All the rain that has fallen has not extinguished your flame
If you believe in yourself, then it never can
I'm only a wanderer who's gone lost in the woods
Circling around on his own muddy tracks
You found me and took me into your heart and led me back
To civilization again
And you claim to have thin skin
But all the brutality of this world hasn't made you crack
If I had happiness in my heart to share,
I would give it all to you
But I think the creation of happiness takes two
And all my love, such as it is,
Is yours as long as you can bear; I will be here
To hold you in my arms when you leave your cocoon.
Saturday, December 9
Friday, December 8
Neihtúl.
The rain is a piano stuck on one note
The look on your face in candlelight
Is precious
I'd climb ladders to repair leaks
Stuff rags against sills to keep out the
Natural chaos of night
Just to see you in that soft light
Your face round like perfection
A toothy smile to make you human again
And a look in your eyes that no place
Or time could seem to place
It's almost as though you were dislocated
Temporarily
From the very fabric of temporal space
The rain falls like drums and now, perhaps
It is hailing. Just as well - we're soaked
From our efforts to keep ourselves dry
We collapse in a pile laughing, splashing
And your blond hair sweeps my face for
Yet another time. What's the story now?
Is this just another dream?
I feel the walls wavering and fading...
No matter how hard I work or pray
You remain forever out of reach
Our evenings of love and laughter always in my mind
Subject to the prodding jabs of friends and shrinks
And I just want to cry right now
With the fury of a thousand such storms
To give me a real day, some way forward
An avenue to my beloved, precocious girl
Who laments to me that she knows so little
But in a short span showed me the world.
The rain is a piano stuck on one note
The look on your face in candlelight
Is precious
I'd climb ladders to repair leaks
Stuff rags against sills to keep out the
Natural chaos of night
Just to see you in that soft light
Your face round like perfection
A toothy smile to make you human again
And a look in your eyes that no place
Or time could seem to place
It's almost as though you were dislocated
Temporarily
From the very fabric of temporal space
The rain falls like drums and now, perhaps
It is hailing. Just as well - we're soaked
From our efforts to keep ourselves dry
We collapse in a pile laughing, splashing
And your blond hair sweeps my face for
Yet another time. What's the story now?
Is this just another dream?
I feel the walls wavering and fading...
No matter how hard I work or pray
You remain forever out of reach
Our evenings of love and laughter always in my mind
Subject to the prodding jabs of friends and shrinks
And I just want to cry right now
With the fury of a thousand such storms
To give me a real day, some way forward
An avenue to my beloved, precocious girl
Who laments to me that she knows so little
But in a short span showed me the world.
One more from Tupac. Only a few cusswords too!
"Only God Can Judge Me."
Perhaps I was blind to the facts, stabbed in the back
Couldn't trust my own homies cause they're a bunch of dirty rats
Will I succeed? paranoid from the weed
And hocus pocus try to focus but I can't see
And in my mind I'm a blind man doing time
Look to my future cause my past is all behind me
Is it a crime, to fight for what is mine?
Everybody's dying tell me what's the use of trying?
I've been trapped since birth, cautious cause I'm cursed
And fantasies of my family in a hearse
And they say it's the white man I should fear
But it's my own kind doing all the killing here
I can't lie, ain't no love for the other side
Jealousy inside, will make em wish I'd died
Oh my Lord, tell me what I'm living for
Everybody's droppin got me knockin on heaven's door
And all my memories, of seein brothers bleed
And everybody grieves, but still nobody sees
Recollect your thoughts don't get caught up in the mix
Cause the media is full of dirty tricks
Only God can judge me.
I hear the doctor standing over me screamin I can make it
Got a body full of bullet holes layin here naked
Still I can't see, something's evil in my IV
Cause everytime I breathe, I think it's killin me
I'm having nightmares, homicidal fantasies
I wake up stranglin', tangled in my bedsheets
I call the nurse cause it hurts to reminisce
How did it come to this? I wish they didn't miss...
Somebody help me, tell me where to go from here
Cause even thugs cry, but do the Lord care?
Tryin to remember, but it hurts
I'm walkin through the cemetery talkin to the dirt
I'd rather die like a man than live like a coward
There's a ghetto up in Heaven and it's ours, "Black Power!"
Is what we scream as we dream in a paranoid state
And our fate is a lifetime of hate
Dear Mama, can you save me? And fuck "peace"
'Cause the streets got our babies, we gotta eat
No more hesitation each and every black male's trapped
And they wonder why we suicidal runnin round strapped
Mista Police, please try to see that there's
A million motherfuckers stressing just like me
Only God can judge me.
"Only God Can Judge Me."
Perhaps I was blind to the facts, stabbed in the back
Couldn't trust my own homies cause they're a bunch of dirty rats
Will I succeed? paranoid from the weed
And hocus pocus try to focus but I can't see
And in my mind I'm a blind man doing time
Look to my future cause my past is all behind me
Is it a crime, to fight for what is mine?
Everybody's dying tell me what's the use of trying?
I've been trapped since birth, cautious cause I'm cursed
And fantasies of my family in a hearse
And they say it's the white man I should fear
But it's my own kind doing all the killing here
I can't lie, ain't no love for the other side
Jealousy inside, will make em wish I'd died
Oh my Lord, tell me what I'm living for
Everybody's droppin got me knockin on heaven's door
And all my memories, of seein brothers bleed
And everybody grieves, but still nobody sees
Recollect your thoughts don't get caught up in the mix
Cause the media is full of dirty tricks
Only God can judge me.
I hear the doctor standing over me screamin I can make it
Got a body full of bullet holes layin here naked
Still I can't see, something's evil in my IV
Cause everytime I breathe, I think it's killin me
I'm having nightmares, homicidal fantasies
I wake up stranglin', tangled in my bedsheets
I call the nurse cause it hurts to reminisce
How did it come to this? I wish they didn't miss...
Somebody help me, tell me where to go from here
Cause even thugs cry, but do the Lord care?
Tryin to remember, but it hurts
I'm walkin through the cemetery talkin to the dirt
I'd rather die like a man than live like a coward
There's a ghetto up in Heaven and it's ours, "Black Power!"
Is what we scream as we dream in a paranoid state
And our fate is a lifetime of hate
Dear Mama, can you save me? And fuck "peace"
'Cause the streets got our babies, we gotta eat
No more hesitation each and every black male's trapped
And they wonder why we suicidal runnin round strapped
Mista Police, please try to see that there's
A million motherfuckers stressing just like me
Only God can judge me.
More obvious observations that seem easy to follow when you're not actually depressed.
Sometimes depression is just a matter of not having enough energy. With ample energy stores, the human mind and body become intolerant of complacency and push the individual to engage in some activity, even if a full philosophical justification has not been submitted and approved. Since action leads to more action, some kind of jump start like caffeine or a stimulant drug can get the ball rolling and sideline the depression temporarily. But to sustain such momentum is another story. It's no wonder there are so many coffee and meth addicts; people want to feel "up".
But for me, the crash that comes afterward, or the ever-deteriorating state of wellbeing and sanity that accompanies constant stimulation is not worth the positive benefits. Exercise is probably the one true "high" which doesn't make you feel bad afterward. I would imagine long, intense meditation might be another. These are the less easy ways to obtaining energy and momentum, but truer and more sustainable. Exercise and meditation. The cure to everything, seemingly.
Sometimes depression is just a matter of not having enough energy. With ample energy stores, the human mind and body become intolerant of complacency and push the individual to engage in some activity, even if a full philosophical justification has not been submitted and approved. Since action leads to more action, some kind of jump start like caffeine or a stimulant drug can get the ball rolling and sideline the depression temporarily. But to sustain such momentum is another story. It's no wonder there are so many coffee and meth addicts; people want to feel "up".
But for me, the crash that comes afterward, or the ever-deteriorating state of wellbeing and sanity that accompanies constant stimulation is not worth the positive benefits. Exercise is probably the one true "high" which doesn't make you feel bad afterward. I would imagine long, intense meditation might be another. These are the less easy ways to obtaining energy and momentum, but truer and more sustainable. Exercise and meditation. The cure to everything, seemingly.
I see the world like hans holbein,
hp lovecraft, vilhelm hammershoi,
edgar allen poe, ian curtis, edvard munch.
I see the world the way another human being
might see an alien society
in the distant mirror of some terrible dream.
It paralyzes me from buying in
or making choices which require data
from a tap that has run dry.
I'm at the end of my mind
now I have to try to escape inside.
The sky was nearly black today at noon.
hp lovecraft, vilhelm hammershoi,
edgar allen poe, ian curtis, edvard munch.
I see the world the way another human being
might see an alien society
in the distant mirror of some terrible dream.
It paralyzes me from buying in
or making choices which require data
from a tap that has run dry.
I'm at the end of my mind
now I have to try to escape inside.
The sky was nearly black today at noon.
Sunday, December 3
Saturday, December 2
This means all. It's Christmas time, why don't people see or reflect? Why are we slaves to our biology? Why then intellect?
We do we create and proliferate and use and discard? We will soon replace ourselves with genetically perfect biomachines. How is that a help to us and where is this all going?
Use your brain. Stop advancing technology. Stop wiping out ecosystems. Stop living simply for your own short-term pleasure. Stop trying to "get ahead". Ahead of what? Where you are right now is most probably just fine.
We do we create and proliferate and use and discard? We will soon replace ourselves with genetically perfect biomachines. How is that a help to us and where is this all going?
Use your brain. Stop advancing technology. Stop wiping out ecosystems. Stop living simply for your own short-term pleasure. Stop trying to "get ahead". Ahead of what? Where you are right now is most probably just fine.
Temple.
And the people say
Mutterings at which I only grasp, red iPod strapped
To my arm, and songs in the palms of my hands
They seem like Nazis so sure of themselves
Why are people so sure of themselves?
They certainly have no more knowledge than I do
And yet they laugh and jump in the pool
Are they the children of God or just his mindless tools?
I am not afraid to die
I have been forged from something stronger than steel
My life has taken twists and turns, sometimes unreal
My last meal was a dozen beers and eight hours of meditation
I stay religiously on my medication, but
Does this make me a good citizen or a cretin?
I think I've proved the purposelessness of motion and still
The people play and smile
I don't know why I get in evil or foul moods
I wish I or someone somewhere understood
My heart feels it is an engine for good
And repels all invaders, hideous in form
With mechanical intentions inside their heads
When I look at other people, I wish they were dead
Or that I could be mercifully extinguished
My fickle outer form shed
I don't know why it's love or hate with me
Black or white and no shades of grey with me
I'm certainly not a bad person in my own mind
But I am persecuted relentlessly by demons I cannot find
Nor exorcise
I hope my molecules disperse to regions separated my miles
Maybe our star will explode and some bit become divine
I have a mental illness that is hard to bear
People tell me to get off the fence but they don't know
How hard it is to commit to something, to care
When your mind and your corporeal body lean elsewhere
When all you've ever been bred for was implosion or god
How disappointing in the end to find just another vagrant
With the intelligence of ancients and the presence of a slob
If I could do it all over again I would avoid
As many people as I could, to keep them from pain
When I ran away and left all my promises wanting
I would hug the nearest saguaro cactus to drive me insane
And be removed from people otherwise tamed
And if women came along who tried to coddle and explain
I would erupt in a shower of needles and bathe their brains
In the blood of the Antichrist
And no part of me remain;
I'm sorry I can't be who you think I am.
And the people say
Mutterings at which I only grasp, red iPod strapped
To my arm, and songs in the palms of my hands
They seem like Nazis so sure of themselves
Why are people so sure of themselves?
They certainly have no more knowledge than I do
And yet they laugh and jump in the pool
Are they the children of God or just his mindless tools?
I am not afraid to die
I have been forged from something stronger than steel
My life has taken twists and turns, sometimes unreal
My last meal was a dozen beers and eight hours of meditation
I stay religiously on my medication, but
Does this make me a good citizen or a cretin?
I think I've proved the purposelessness of motion and still
The people play and smile
I don't know why I get in evil or foul moods
I wish I or someone somewhere understood
My heart feels it is an engine for good
And repels all invaders, hideous in form
With mechanical intentions inside their heads
When I look at other people, I wish they were dead
Or that I could be mercifully extinguished
My fickle outer form shed
I don't know why it's love or hate with me
Black or white and no shades of grey with me
I'm certainly not a bad person in my own mind
But I am persecuted relentlessly by demons I cannot find
Nor exorcise
I hope my molecules disperse to regions separated my miles
Maybe our star will explode and some bit become divine
I have a mental illness that is hard to bear
People tell me to get off the fence but they don't know
How hard it is to commit to something, to care
When your mind and your corporeal body lean elsewhere
When all you've ever been bred for was implosion or god
How disappointing in the end to find just another vagrant
With the intelligence of ancients and the presence of a slob
If I could do it all over again I would avoid
As many people as I could, to keep them from pain
When I ran away and left all my promises wanting
I would hug the nearest saguaro cactus to drive me insane
And be removed from people otherwise tamed
And if women came along who tried to coddle and explain
I would erupt in a shower of needles and bathe their brains
In the blood of the Antichrist
And no part of me remain;
I'm sorry I can't be who you think I am.
Friday, December 1
The Middle Way.
I sold my soul to some guy named Faust
Who turned around and pawned it off on the Devil
I just laughed when I heard, I know too well
Who got the better of that deal
They say I'm an agnostic
But I don't know what that means
I thought those were primitive jawless fishes
That roamed the early seas
I don't really care about things I can't
See, touch, smell, hear, or taste
And chuck out smell, that sense is a waste
I'm heading to my grave one way or another, face it
And I can pick up a cause and fight with my brothers
Or be a lost cause and die in the gutter
Or I can find the middle way, in plain sight the whole time
Sometimes the easiest answer is actually right.
I sold my soul to some guy named Faust
Who turned around and pawned it off on the Devil
I just laughed when I heard, I know too well
Who got the better of that deal
They say I'm an agnostic
But I don't know what that means
I thought those were primitive jawless fishes
That roamed the early seas
I don't really care about things I can't
See, touch, smell, hear, or taste
And chuck out smell, that sense is a waste
I'm heading to my grave one way or another, face it
And I can pick up a cause and fight with my brothers
Or be a lost cause and die in the gutter
Or I can find the middle way, in plain sight the whole time
Sometimes the easiest answer is actually right.
10 Tips to fighting.
0. Know you're going to win. Visualize how you'll secure the momentum and maintain it.
1. Stay serene. Don't fight angry. Anger makes you sloppy.
2. Stay alert. Don't let your mind get ahead of or behind the moment. There is only NOW.
3. Punch with purpose, step into it, and follow through. Don't let up, but don't get predictable either.
4. Head shots are effective, but don't forget to work the body too. Avoid the crotch absolutely.
5. If your opponent kicks, you may use kicks as well. Use them like punches, against the head and body.
6. Don't ever bite, use your nails, or other such barbarous tactics, unless actually fighting for your life.
7. Don't fight dirty. If your opponent falls down, let him stand up. If he yields, respect his dignity.
8. Don't run your mouth taunting. It makes you look insecure. Let your fists do the talking.
9. Don't hold a grudge afterward, win or lose. Analyze the fight and learn from what happened.
0. Know you're going to win. Visualize how you'll secure the momentum and maintain it.
1. Stay serene. Don't fight angry. Anger makes you sloppy.
2. Stay alert. Don't let your mind get ahead of or behind the moment. There is only NOW.
3. Punch with purpose, step into it, and follow through. Don't let up, but don't get predictable either.
4. Head shots are effective, but don't forget to work the body too. Avoid the crotch absolutely.
5. If your opponent kicks, you may use kicks as well. Use them like punches, against the head and body.
6. Don't ever bite, use your nails, or other such barbarous tactics, unless actually fighting for your life.
7. Don't fight dirty. If your opponent falls down, let him stand up. If he yields, respect his dignity.
8. Don't run your mouth taunting. It makes you look insecure. Let your fists do the talking.
9. Don't hold a grudge afterward, win or lose. Analyze the fight and learn from what happened.
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