10 December 2006

• I became anxious, moved into a full-blown out of body panic attack which klonopin didn't help, and became unusually suicidal more than just scared.
• I felt I was having a psychotic breakdown; I don't know exactly what is meant by psychosis, but my hold on reality became quite tenuous.
• I felt death by my own hand was imminent, and I welcomed it. I didn't want to call for help, just to say goodbye to a few people.
• I suddenly became tremendously sad for so many things in my past and cried uncontrollably for a time.
• Realizing I might actually carry through with a suicide plan this time, I regained some cogency and made a few notes for people to find.
• These notes described what I would like done with my writings, computer files, and the rest, and how people should be notified.
• As of this moment (Dec 10th) I am still in the throes of this madness, and I don't know whether I will ever emerge. I suspect I will.
• I don't want to be hospitalized. I want to make it on my own because either I have it within me to do so, or I want to move on to the next world.
• I feel alone when I am isolated, but no more than when I am surrounded by crowds. Only in the company of a lover or good friend do I feel some thawing of the mind.
• I feel separated from my body and its actions. I feel like I am watching a movie of my life.