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7 comments:
Tiniest man I've ever seen!
They breed them that way so they can work the vegetable patches more easily.
Even suit 'em up in full plate to go out and battle the slugs and snails, now that's a sight.
Ooh, excellent! Where can I order some of them for my garden? I could do with some extra slug-snail protection.
The man obviously doesn't have his vegetable patch on a slope.
Dear Sir,
Re your excellent advert in the 31st October edition of The Meta-Plane, I would like to place an order for two dozen pumpkin warriors. Please advise further on shipping costs, dietary habits and accomodation needs.
With thanks,
C Windsor
Dear Mr/Ms Windsor,
We sincerely appreciate your interest in our products. Please be advised that the pumpkin warriors come as seeds only, complete with their own tray and special soil.
They are very hearty and disease/pest resistant, and only require watering once every 3-4 days. Given a proper sunny location, such as a window sill or a sheltered outdoor location (be sure to bring them indoors in the even of a storm), the warriors should be very robust in approximately 5-6 weeks, depending on the age and maturity level you desire. Older warriors have more experience but less endurance, while the opposite is true of saplings.
All the necessary armor, weaponry, and other kit is provided within the packaging. Once harvested, these warriors actually pillage and live off the veg and fruit of neighbors' gardens, thus requiring no nourishment from you directly. Of course, they do appreciate an occasional Cheez-It (crumbs only, please) as a reward for any valorous acts they make perform.
The box also contains a makeshift balsa wood barracks with assembly instructions, though depending on where you live you may want to replace this with a sturdier home of your own design or purchase one. Some pet stores sell quite adequate enclosures meant for medium-sized dogs, and we have found that these tend to work just fine, especially is they have hanging ropes or ladders which the soldiers can use for training.
Seed packs of 6, 12, and 24 are available*, and I shall be delighted to quote you a price and conduct the business of the sale with you in private.
Sincerely,
Meta-Plane Ltd.
*Generals and petty officers sold separately and at higher cost. Meta-Plane is not responsible for frostbite, gangrene, and other such battle wounds inflicted during the normal course of battle. Sample training courses available on our website as PDF files or provided for the cost of postage over traditional mail. Meta-Plane is not reponsible for mutant pumpkin warriors who attack homeowner, cats, other warriors, or the pumpkins themselves - DNA is inherently unpredictable. All orders nonrefundable once seed packet has been opened.
Dear Meta-Plane Ltd.,
Re our previous correspondence, One has been in lengthy consultation with one's head gardener and has decided to increase one's order to six dozen warrior seeds. This is reliant on your assurance that said warriors will not attack one's own vegatable patch, despite its being particularly sizable and the nearest neighbour several kilometres distant.
Also I would rest assured were I to know that hairstyle did not automatically grow similar to the warrior pictured.
Please advise on Cheese-it alternatives, the royal kitchen tells me they have no idea what they are, would cucumber sandwiches (crusts removed) be a suitable alternative?.
There is no need to ship the barracks, I'm sure I can get some old corgi kennels from mother.
Kind regards,
Charles
I'm sorry, your highness, but I've just checked with management and it appears we have a strict prohibition against selling our products to fox-hunters and other killers of wildlife for sport. (This also includes the Governor of Alaska.) You see, we consider ourselves an environmentally responsible and cruelty-free company.
Deepest apologies,
Metamatician,
WebEden Ltd
a subsidiary of DennisCorp
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