Janus

It's crazy how things can seem so real and so horrible, then the entire universe changes and now they seem so real and not so horrible. I can be two completely different people within the space of hours. Reality is a strange, unknowable thing. Those of us who obsess over it have it the worst. I know anxiety and panic is a widespread phenomenon, but I can't help thinking the majority of those who suffer from it don't have it the same as I do. Most people tend to talk about fear of dying, of illness, specific phobias, etc. I think about the meaning of life and about eternity, about being a god alone in a vacuum without beginning or end, without the possibility of ever escaping or ever meeting another discrete intelligence. My hell must be worse than theirs, or at least less common. I believe my panic disorder manifests itself in this way because I puzzle over all these things anyway; it's the makeup of my mind. Anxiety disorders likely just exaggerate one's existing fears and insecurities, the way psychedelic drugs do. They don't create the monster, but they do give him a big ass injection of steroids and let him out of the closet.