The kitten and the tiger

When I was younger all I wanted was to be world class at something (well, everything) - be recognized for breaking new ground, outstanding on every level. To not be seen as an amateur, a poser, a wannabe. I wanted to know I wasn't deluding myself about writing, ping pong, logical thinking.

But now I'm older and it's all broken; this isn't the way it should be, life is a trick. You're only alive when you're an adolescent, when you're changing and in pain. After that you settle down and accept all the flaws you used to hate, make peace with your limitations, give up your dreams. Now I just "want to be me," another way of saying I want to accept what I am right now, warts and all, and not soar into those impossible clouds.

Maybe this is the right way, but it doesn't feel right. Why do people always reminisce fondly on their teenage or college years? I'm sure they miss the freedom, the vast expanses of possibility in front of them, the feeling that they could do anything they wanted if only they put their mind to it.

Now my mind is ravaged by years of doubt and fear, my claws are retracted, and I'm looking for a fire to curl up by. I'm tired of the night. It doesn't matter how many brilliant things I could do if I just wanted it enough; I don't want it enough.