Wednesday, January 5

being held down by darkness

Anyone trying to get hold of me, or wondering why I've not been around much on email, phone, facebook, or my blog... I'm just very depressed right now. I'm having a horrible time trying to sleep, horrible nightmares and insomnia and sleep paralysis and lucid dreaming and night terrors, and this lack of needed, healthy sleep has drained me completely during the day. I'm on my normal meds and not aware of any specific cause, it's just one of those things that happens sometimes. Usually I get myself out of it in a few days - it just lifts and I'm able to get motivated about something, and then it's back to the normal ups and downs of life, the normal feeling that things are real and I'm inside myself and there's not a 1000 lb weight on me and I can see or hear something or talk to someone without wanting to run away or burst into tears or be gone completely. But there's nothing I can do until it lifts...

I'll be fine again I'm sure, it always goes away (for awhile). I'm not panicking or desperate or suicidal right now - just flattened by apathy alternating with sadness, and almost unable to get out of bed. For those who are wondering about my sinus illness and other things, a quick update so that I can avoid talking to anyone in the meantime (sorry if that sounds rude, I don't mean it in that way - I just *can't* bear to do much right now)...

I went to the ENT doc but my appt was the last before their 2-hour lunch break, and they were running an hour behind by then, so I was going to have to be pushed to the afternoon. As I was already feeling anxious and depressed yesterday, I asked if I could reschedule. The doctor had no problem with it since my sinuses seem to be fine now, but said of course to call if they got worse suddenly. I'm scheduled to get my CT and see him both on the 13th now. Hopefully this time they won't overbook, and everything will turn out well. As of now I feel physically fine, I'm just in the doldrums for no reason that I know of, and can't get out of it in any way that I know of either.

This is common in major depression; despite medication, depression still breaks through now and then for most people, and the time around the holidays, around times of change or stress, are particularly likely times for it to happen. I'm trying to read, to meditate, to eat and to do little things like check my mail, but it's hard right now and to be honest I really have NO interest in anything.

I appreciate concern anyone has for me and just request (politely) that those who want to be supportive do so (again, not to sound rude - this is really what I need/want right now) by just leaving me alone to work things out for myself. Positive support is fine too, but I can't promise to respond and don't want to worry people if I don't. And any sort of confrontation about anything right now is just off the table; I can't and won't deal with it at all. I hope no one has any towering issues with me at the moment, but if they do they won't get anything out of me until I can get out of this funk. Again, it's not my will that this be the case but simply the way my disease works. I literally cannot deal with much right now, cannot "help myself" and run around getting things done and making phone calls and setting things up - if people suffering major depressive episodes could do all that, it would be quite nice, but they can't.

I'm not going to feel bad about it (being depressed), either, because I can't control when it happens and have learned that putting the blame on myself (feeling guilt, inadequacy, and so on) only makes things worse, and I refuse to fall into that cycle. I have done so far too many times in the past, causing myself to just spiral inward and get worse and worse, and I won't any more. I know it's an illness and not "me" and that anyone who thinks differently or thinks badly of me because I am the way that I am should correct their incorrect beliefs.

It's not that I don't care - it's because I do care (somewhere inside me) that I feel I must write this.

Resources for people who would like to understand depression better:

I won't apologize for being depressed either. I wish I weren't, of course. I will say thanks to those who are or have been supportive, and also that I know it is a very hard thing to deal with, not only for the sufferer but others in his family or in his life. I understand it can be extremely difficult and frustrating for those around me. Please understand it is all that to an even greater extent for me. Thank you.



billybytedoc said...

We are all hoping for you to get better quickly. Understanding that it is not something you have control over.

Your friend, Bill

Hans said...

Write when you can. I love you very much.

Metamatician said...

Thank you both. I'm starting to feel better.

Katbili said...

Oh, you 've read my mind. Know exactly how it feels. The power is within. Dig it out.

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