IV

my heart's up in my throat again
going to spit it out and all the fast flames
vomit a taste
acid is up in my throat and i feel like screaming again

don't do this to me

don't want to take the bus home
it'll only make my skin crawl and shiver
the gasoline swamps between here and forever
are multiplying
coming alive where the sun dies
into a river of oil

it only takes a month to see how insignificant i am
fear of death is behind and underneath
and coats my future

forget the future

forget the future
the sound of someone losing their mind

messy moods, it’s so easy to stumble
trip over nothing at all

one more time and i’m gonna snap
this thing is killing me

left unmedicated
i start coming apart at the seams

left unmedicated
the world starts coming apart at the seams

don’t say anything to me
don’t help me not to fall

i’m dying
all over myself and i’m screaming and crying
and i’m afraid of myself

what does it take before
they take away your license to live?

voice pierces the night
full of steam – feels like the end of the road
in a dirty black world where nothing works
and the stars all glow and go out

left behind
god damned pride
it took me a thousand smiles to get them to leave
my heart is black and broken, i don’t
want to drift on this tide anymore
without spotting land
i want to pull out the plug

i don’t know where to land
maybe push my face under

i’ve been dreaming my whole life
the dream-bottle is empty

people hold each other and laugh
and then move on down the sidewalk
people get into cars

the door to the pizza parlor blows
warm air into the night
and greedily closes
holding it’s cheer inside
where families gather famished around food smells
and candlelight

a man on a bicycle is asking
an old man in a track suit something i can’t hear

a stench rises from the grate in the gutter
and heat escapes from beneath me
but it never warms me up anymore
the grass stretches beneath the light towers
in front of the bleachers
it never cheers me up anymore

a girl spreads greasy lipstick on her face
her friend is posing and grimacing so full
of fuck you independence
she’s hugging close to the other’s side
a boy is leering from the street
they pretend not to see him
but their eyes are wide

and shot with venom

i’ve absorbed paintings
listened to that old black dog rock and roll
dumped the posturing and the ramrod
sense of solving
that huge hole of mystery
into calculators
and it always came up zero
i’ve blasted my loneliness with films
and with chocolate and alcohol and with
every other molecule i could think of
i’ve swallowed pills
sprinted till my heart was failing
slept so many days i couldn’t say
i’ve come so close so many times
and it’s always come up zero

burned out on doctors
protective mothers
silent partners
burnt out on going through tiny hoops
never changing
burned out on life’s colors
rearranging
spilling all over me
tired of getting up in the morning wondering
when it will be time for bedtime
tired of falling asleep at night dreading
the coming of the daytime

the true end of the road isn’t fun
it was better in the beginning
it would be better still
had it not begun

it’s hard always being on the run
from everything
all the time

god be merciful and take me away
do that much for me

I’m not even a very good poet

i’ve been dreaming my whole life
the dream-bottle is empty