The truth

I'm a complete waste. Everyone surely thinks I am, and I know it to be true. Don't know why I keep fooling myself that I can "pull out" of it...it's who I am, not some temporary condition. I'm such an egotistical, deluded, self-centered jerk. I've been so selfish my whole life. I've used people to get what I want, to find comfort, to stay away from unpleasantness. How can I ever atone? I've already fucked up everything I possibly could. I was a shitty dad and a shitty husband. I've been a bad son and a bad friend. I've failed at everything I've tried. I've lain around feeling sorry for myself and looking for a way out instead of having the courage to follow others' leads and carry on with business. If I didn't want to do that, I should have ended it long ago. The worst thing to do was to stay around and suck up resources, to mistreat people, to be so goddamn egocentric. It's no wonder I hardly know anyone. I've left a trail of misery and broken hearts behind me. Beyond that, probably lots of relief or indifference. I've sought approval, comfort, affection my whole life. I've never found enough. You can never find enough. People are born looking certain ways; that can be fixed. They have difficulty with certain subjects; that can be fixed. They have few means at their disposal; that can be fixed. I don't think I can be fixed. I'm a cruel, fake, miserable person with no idea how to please anyone but myself, and then act indignant about it. I'm manipulative. I'm so ashamed of myself. I hate myself with every fiber of my being. I'm always the last to know the truth - what people really think about me, what really happened somewhere at some time. My memory can't be trusted at all. I seem to have this image in my head of my place in the world, and a script of past events, and it's all complete bullshit. It's not true, but it seems to me like it is. That's why I say I'm deluded. I don't know why I view reality through this bizarre filter, but it's just one more flaw atop the dungheap. I've been childish, petty, demanding, untruthful, irresponsible. I've been awful. In my quest for some abstract perfection I've somehow managed to do just about every single thing wrong.