VoIP, brah!

Let me tell you, the telecoms are really ripping us normal folks off. But what I'm here to tell you today is THERE IS A WAY TO BEAT THEM AT THEIR OWN GAME. Oh shit, sorry about that, the caps-lock key got stuck. Anyways, you get the idea. Let's all band together to use the ample bandwidth of the Internet to provide geeks like ourselves with free, yes FREE phonecalls, anywhere in the world. We'll call it Voice over IP so it sounds sorta descriptive-yet-tech, but can also be shortened into an acronym, VoIP, that will make star wars and buffy fans will go nuts. VOOIIPP!

Of course, all this will take some money to run. I mean, the software switchers have to sit on servers, which must be upgraded and maintained continually. Techs will have to do that. Those techs are gonna need a layer of management above them to ensure they aren't just sitting around blowing smoke rings of the sticky icky. And then there's the top tier staff who have to have porsches, legal advisors, military advisors - wait, forget that last one - the people we'd have to contract with to give us a marketable "brand" and handle all our press contacts, customer support, and a myriad of other things.

So no, of course it's not gonna be free. We'll pass along some minimal cost-per-minute to the users so we can stay afloat and not actually LOSE money. That would suck for customers too, right? And it's not like you all - I mean we - have to have physical telephone sets anymore, so that's an even bigger savings! If you do have one, you can always ship it to those kids with huge stomachs in Africa, making them so happy and giving you a little more karma in the bank. Back to the phones, though; See, instead one of those clunky dedicated phones, you have a crappy sounding headset and a mic that makes any sniffle or throat clearing sound like the storm that that brought down the Edmund Fitzgerald. You'll have to pay a bit for this starter kit too, and maybe even more if you want to actually hear words on the other end rather than the vague sound of bears chewing on onions.

Ok. Ok. We admit it. The cost saving aren't going to amount to much if you're a moron who stays in his mental box all day thinking his simple neolithic thoughts. But the hip crowd is gonna be all over this, because check this out: You can use it anywhere!!! You don't have to stay in a room with a phone jack. You're FREE baby!! (there's that word again). Yes, you'll have to find a hotspot to have service, but people are throwing those up all over the place, right? Although...I heard many are now charging small subscription fees of their own. Hey... Maybe we should see if we can get a piece of that pie as well. [editor: do not print last sentence]

So, to summarize.

Pros: It makes you look cool. It makes it possible to not take a cellphone with you on your business trips, since you've got that big hunking laptop you can talk with. Two, you're sticking it to The Man (who, to be fair, also owns us, but he doesn't OWN us, if you get my drift. We call the shots here, not those pricks in their boiler suits). And lastly, but possibly most importantly, it makes you look cool.

Cons: Our lawyer says we must disclose these. Customer service will vary wildly from bad to horrific, lines will drop off and cut out every time someone three streets down sends an email to your daughter, the equipment is all proprietry and will need uprgrading periodically to keep you in with the hip crowd and give you the biggest pipe on the block. Yes, those phones from the 40s still look clasy and work like a charm, but... um... well anyways like I was saying VoIP (*tingles*) is the wave of the future, and if were you, buddy, I'd grab my malibu pronto and dawn-patrol straight into the green room rather than waiting and having to baby ramp into someone else's curl like a barney.

"Voice over IP - I'm Lovin' It!"