We all gotta go sometime. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to go. I'm scared of it. But it's inevitable and sometimes... sometimes I'm not afraid. I wish there was another world, a better world. A nicer world. Don't get me wrong, I really want to go.
What am I living for? Seriously. I don't want anything. I don't care about too many people. There's nothing I want to accomplish. My life has little value to me. It's not fun and rarely funny anymore. Most of the people I've cared for and who have cared back, who would come sit down with me and give me a hug right now, are too far away or are gone. So I want to be gone too.
As curious as I am and as much as I can lose myself in the details of things at times, this overarching fact never leaves me and if the army of medications let me up from my state of perpetual thought-arrest for a few minutes, I can see it all and quickly realize that nothing changes except me. And I don't know if I change, I just... exist now. I don't know why.
You're not supposed to ask "why?" That is supposed to be the point. Living in the now. But who dictated that? I'd like to meet the being who allowed us to evolve all these tremendous abilities to ponder and put patterns together, to illuminate darkness and discover mathematics, and to find order where once was only chaos, only to tell us we're not supposed to see behind that curtain: Please keep your head down and stare at a dot, eat your rice, and live like an animal. Animals don't ask questions.
Stretford or Valencia, I just want a room of my own, and skip the view - I'll put framed pictures up and antique maps. I will have my collections and my tiny living space will be my British Museum, my Smithsonian. I am the curator of odds and ends of the human experience, the rubbish which others in a Jetsons world have left behind in their mad mindless rush, but which to me is for fleeting moments worth the weight of the world. I love the world, except for all the people.
31 comments:
You exist because you 'are'. Or was it I think therefore I am, or as one person said I'm pink, therefore I'm spam.
Hang on in there Meta. You'll get through it. And there's always Rexy's blog to sabertage.
Lorenzo.
Thanks Lorenzo. It's good to have friends, even ones over the Internet. I heard one that went, I sink, therefore I swam. A bit of suspect grammar but who really keeps track of these things.
I'm starting to come out of my doldrums a bit, and I'm not flattering any of you by saying sometimes it's your blogs and comments that do it for me. My group of friends in the UK (and Spain) seem to buoy me up somehow and take things in stride, and it helps me too, when I start to feel just can't stand it anymore.
I'm glad I met all of you. I'll get to work on defacing Rex's HTML nonsense as soon as poss.
Meta, I was going to email you with lots of comments - I´ve been reading your work - I probably still will email (once I´ve gotten up to date) but this post is a good place to say one of the things I wished to tell you.
I´m only half-way though your all your posts - I want to take my time and absorb everything, although more than one read is necessary. But you have taken my breath away. I am awed by your thinking, your writing and your use of visual materials to convey thoughts and sentiments. There´s a lot of vitriol and and backlash hate in there but what comes across more strongly is a sense of hope and love and such honesty. I love the way you question, you have made me start thinking again, thinking properly, wondering, analysing. Since I stopped the PhD my brain has been something I used mostly just to earn me money. You´ve taken me back to the place where I used to be, where and when I wanted to use it for so much more.
People should question why, they don´t because they have been educated not to. It´s easier not to, but ultimately so much less fulfilling. I am so pleased that I have met people through my blog who do question and understand, though this may be the more difficult path.
If you were to cease your commenting and posting, hardly knowing you, I would still miss you dreadfully. I would like to know you more.
Damn you being an ocean, a continent and several time zones away. And damn it being Tuesday and my busy day at work - 10am-9pm. Otherwise, I would write more here, read more previous posts and then pop over for a talk about life, the universe, everything....
However, I must tear myself away and prepare for my afternoon class - with just as quick look at the current sabotaging going on chez Rex beforeI do. Back as soon as I can.
Rachel, this is a crazy moment. I'm not particularly metaphysical (ok, I am in my own agnostic way; i.e. I have an open mind to non-stictly scientific views about life, but I don't shell out ANY money to new-age gurus promising fitness, happiness, and better sex in 14 days, I swear!) but just as I was writing on your blog quite an extensive and serious (for once) entry or two, I come back to my own to find you have done essentially the same. What a coincidence! =)
I am really flattered and I'm NOT just saying that that you would take time out of your life to read much of what I have written. I have one of those inquisitive minds like Lyra I suppose, and it's never shut down like most (all) of my friends' seem to have done after their university or post-grad work. They make good money or whatever, but they stopped having souls. I'm still poking and prodding Dust to try to understand its nature...
I really like the same inquisitiveness and especially friendliness in you. I'm very glad we met via blog through intermediaries (that sounds likes CIA-KGB stuff) and would also be very sad if I were not to be able to communicate with you any more. So let's keep at it, yeah?
I can't tell you how amazed I am that you are undertaking reading 3 years of blog entries... but I'm crazy about you for it, because no one really ever has. You spoil me. I'm sorry if a lot of my stuff seems very negative. It's been a tough life but much of the fault lies within me and my own view of myself and my outlook on life. Even today I struggle. But I believe those who have seen the lowest of lows can also see, exclusively, the highest of highs. I know in some cases I have and I can only burst forward with this joy through my poems usually... prose is no good. And even poems are limited - I need to be a rock star and just scream it out to a packed house or something.
But then, rockstars, like supermassive stars, burn out young and die tragic deaths. That doesn't sound too appealing either.
I'm starting to go back through your blog and learn more and more about you, by the way, and not in any way as a reaction to what you've done, because I had no idea. I'm just fascinated with English people; I'm curious about the country with which I most closely associate my heritage (Spain), and I just like your sense of humor and kindness, as well as your photographic talent.
Have fun teaching (what age?) and write back when you can. You can always write to my email at justin.sias@gmail.com if you just wanna talk, or even IM (yahoo or msn) me if you'd like, though our hours are pretty far apart.
Maybe I'll build that canoe I've been dreaming of...
J. ^_^
As long as there is one that you care for...
As long as there is one scientific marvel you have not mastered...
As long as there is one more artist to marvel over...
You have a reason to...
Dude, it's all cyclical. If you observe for long enough you eventually see the pattern.
I'm learning slowly to watch my own cyclic spiral, anticipate the next curve before it comes and be less afraid of the ride.
You know you are loved, and that is no small thing.
Great comments by some awesome folks, J. You feel deeply, question continually, possibly having to pay a higher price than others that don't ~ Two-edged subtle knife, but you go to worlds that others can't even imagine.
Thanks Empath, and you're correct. My bloggy pals (including you) have been a great support and source of comfort or at least humor since I stepped into this little world where many different realities intertwine. We have people living in Cumbria and Manchester, down to Bristol and Devon, across the sea in Spain, some from the States, some from Oz or Kiwiland, and lord knows where else. One was even quite close to growing up an Essex girl from what I understand...
Thanks again everyone and I'll post again soon. My inspiration to write comes and goes as I'm sure is the case for most people. If I can't think of anything deeply philosophical or uproariously humorous that day, I just either won't post or I'll put up a cool photo and then in the description somehow take the piss outta Rex just to see how much he can tolerate before finally snapping on me like the guy in Full Metal Jacket. Only in his case it would be called Full Mental Jackass.
Warn me before you squeeze the trigger though, dude. Unlike the evil drill sergeant in that movie, I'm only having a playful go at you. Well, most of the time. =)
Mags: Thank you too. You know that you and Empath are my bastions of strength, and maybe someone else on this site as well. I love you guys too. xoxo
>You're not supposed to ask "why?" That is supposed to be the point. Living in the now. But who dictated that?
Frankly, I have found it more constructive to ask "how"?
This may not seem to be powerful advice but the former question may not be answerable, but the latter might get you somewhere.
Oh, I meant to enquire, did Jackie ever turn up in your dreams again?
:hugz from Hungary: - for nothing else I can help you. Hold on, smartie boy, there _is_ a way out. :) I know cos I'm searching for it too. :) If I only knew where have I put it down... ;)I will tell.
:*
Ask HOW - very good advice, Maalie, and more positive than that age-old question WHY. Also, HOW CAN I..., not WHY CAN'T I, not as much ego involved. Oh, wise one.
Yes "how" is more practical than "why," but less fulfilling. If unasking the question is the only way to do this thing, it seems like a wasteful ability we've evolved to pose that question.
No, Jackie never did turn up again. Sod it.
Mandula, thank you for support. I hope you're doing well - I'll write to you soon.
Empath, don't praise this Maalie character too much. As wise and at times humble as he seems, this type of elder worship goes straight to that head of his, endangering his ability to get from room to room, and ultimately depriving him of the means to procure beer.
>No, Jackie never did turn up again. Sod it.
I have had girls like Jackie turn up in mine from time to time. It can leave a sense of forlornfulness for the rest of the day.
Do you think they actually exist out there?
I hope so.
Oh Jackie won't you come back to my dreams
?
My heart doth ache with
endless thoughts of you...
(That is Iambic pentameter you know. I write in it).
Yes, so you've mentioned on multiple occasions. When I go on to clean up this blog at some point, do you think this will be one of those "junk" bits of conversation that needs sweeping away?
When Meta has to sweep away his junk
Then Maalie always will maintain his own...
I still haven't found a way of getting 'runcible' and 'axiomatic' to fit the metre (or meter, if you wish).
Non-axiomatically, I WISH you'd stop using those runcible words "axiomatically" and "runcible."
But then, quite a bit of inefficient humor (or humour, if you prefer, or even humours, if you're feeling medical) would be lost from these blogs.
The resultant increase in productivity would increase the efficiency of our respective days, axiomatically, but might decrease our morale. It all comes down to a quantity-versus-quality argument, one of those unanswerable "meta" questions.
Therefore, I will be happy to answer it just as soon as I get the time. I'm still wondering if there was ever such as thing as "Doric pentameter."
Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! It CAN be done!!!
I always thought you were so runcible;
'Tis axiomatic that this should be so....
Congratulations. Now tell me again how you justified deleting other people's side coversations on your own blog for being "junk"?
Meantime I'll watch the local bookseller for your tome: Runcibilitude: Pontifications upon Axiomatic Aviary Behaviour in Iambic Pentameter, by Maalie. I'm sure it will "fly" off the shelves.
Meta, stop moaning, he kept the best one.
Oh and do you know Empath has been visiting Word Imperfect? Are you going to come and join in the fun?
Oh, so now I'm moaning? Just who's side are you on missy?
Indeed, I saw empath had won in a tie on her inaugural attempt and was so impressed I put in an entry for the current word right then and there. I will shamed if I cannot duplicate her feat.
The voting mechanism appears to be broken; I suppose she'll just choose her favorite definition subjectively...
Raelha is quite right of course: the real pearls of wisdom from yourself and others developing the theme of the post were simply being swamped by the chit-chat. Now, I don't mind the chit-chat over, say, the course of the day, but the inherent editor in me likes to tidy things up sometimes. But the same token, it is axiomatic that I would understand if you ever should feel the need to tidy your comments up, you runcible fellow!
I'm going to Spain on Monday so you all have a whole week to play as you like ;-)
What the hell are you all talking about?
Of course the "io" in axiomatic has to be sounded as a diphthing (or do I mean diphthong?). As a man of the arts yourself, you will appreciate that is OK in poetry.
Naturally. It's the same kind of license you get (I believe the poetic kind only need to be renewed every 10 yars) that allows you rhyme "there" with "were".
Where are you going in Spain?
The northern part, to the Pyrenees on a particular quest. I can't say what that is just now, that would be unlucky in birding circles.
I have written a verse dedicated to the girl in the candle factory, in Iambic pentameter.
Maalie, you told me! And that was even before I didn't ask for your hand in marriage.
Meta, asking why is as important to some as breathing and rarely can be understood by those who only seek to ask how.
True, how builds bridges, microchips and freeways.
But why builds flight paths to universes where our minds can float free and play amongst the stars.
How leads to an easier life and rewards of wealth and comforts by a society seeking practical solutions .
Whereas why is often little understood, and receives painfully little reward except in the gratitude of those who also seek.
But there are perhaps as many human beings that need to ask why as how and to deny the why is to deny our greatest curiosity and much that is best in human beings.
When there are so many things in our universe that we don't understand, can we really deny any avenue of enquiry just because it doesn't bring instant practical benefit.
You write beautifully because your mind is beautiful and I will return often to enjoy your thoughts.
Rob, thank you so much for your comment! It's wonderful to find someone who understands my questions and who doesn't dismiss out of hand my seemingly innate, almost biological need to know the Why, to understand the stuff behind the curtain, to philosophize about what lies beyond the stars.
I agree with you that it can be a great burden in a society where the practicality of How has much more tangible benefits. And asking a lot of questions can lead to quite a knot of frustration or even what feels at times like impinging insanity, for it often seems there are no answers to be had. That's why so many people turn to ready-made, easy answers like established religions, where people have done the thinking for them, they accept it without really looking too closely, and they can then relax that part of their psyche and get on to their Darwinian imperatives like eating and making copies of themselves.
But for lots of us who are more spiritually minded, for lack of a better phrase, it's never that easy. We reject packaged answers that need to be accepted on faith. The journey is always taken alone and the "results" whatever they might be are as individual as snowflakes.
You have a really great way of putting this all simply and beautifully yourself. I like the way you express yourself a lot. I think I'll go take a look at your own blog too if you don't mind. Thanks again for the visit and very lucid thoughts and please visit anytime!
Justin (Meta)
Post a Comment