The wit and wisdom of Stephen Wright.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child ...eventually.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a guy in France who said, "Cut it out!"

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did.

Smoking cures weight problems! ...eventually.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I can't stop thinking like this.

If a word in the dictionary were mis-spelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records.

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him..."Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apart-ments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

What would happen if you mixed glue and teflon together? Would the Universe implode?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? No, I'm serious this time.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. I told the captain, "We're surrounded."

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

and lastly and best of all...

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

All jokes except one (which I made up) courtesy of Stephen Wright.