If I live, I want to live with passion. I want life to be a completely genuine experience, face to the elements. I don't want to be a zombie floating in an air-conditioned electronic bubble. I want to see the earth's roots and shoots.

If I go on, I want to feel like I did when I was 17. When I was her age, and everything stunk of art and strangeness and tingling sensations. I was cocky and dismissive outside then, scared and insecure inside. If I could return, through conditioning, lifestyle changes, not talking about it like I am now but getting out and doing it, I wouldn't take it for granted. I would live with all the heart I was given. How do you go back?

Dirty and cold makes clean and warm so much better. Forget what I said about conditioning, I'm always planning for a future that never arrives. You just have to start doing it. The only way to get in shape for life is to jump in.

If I can.