I don't understand this country.
How can someone be the victim of years of neglect and skepticism,
his ailments trivialized, spat upon,
and then when the police come there is no questioning
just an arrest made on the basis of being male?
No pictures, no questions, no attorney, no call.
Stupid small town hick police.
Roughed up for fun on the roundabout "way" to the station.
But I am oblivious to physical pain.
I want to know how someone can undergo psychological torture
year upon endless year and yet those attacks
upon a certified unhealthy person go unpunished?
How can two people be such heartlessly ignorant, selfish to the last?
Any flood would have taken them for sure.
How can I be blamed, feared, whatever,
when I never started anything, when all I ever wanted
was justice, the kind I was promised so many times
and never given, the kind they held like a carrot in front of my nose
until I walked off a cliff, deranged, victim of their ugly games.
Any sane man would lose his patience and his saintliness.
Either they are cruel or so ignorant it defies imagination.
These are the kind of people you explain something to
in simple language one hundred times, and nothing in them changes.
They just don't understand. They are etched into a printed circuit board.
All I've wanted is some kind of moderately happy ending
to the whole thing, not to be completely robbed of my dignity
or deprived of my rights. All I've ever given was love
and when that was rebuffed cruelly, I lashed out in hurt, finally.
These are two very bad people, without consciences.
I wish the hand of God had seen fit not to make them,
but then again, there is no God. They were genetic abnormalities
designed to harass and test my Darwinian fitness, and I failed,
Or at least just finally gave up; I can't take it anymore.
Life living with beasts like these isn't life at all.
I just want my things and my cat and want out. I tried.
All of my logic and kindness never made a dent on their skulls,
nor moved the brain matter within. It only caused them
to be randomly enraged and stick together even tighter
like monkeys growing irate and clinging to their parent/children,
rattling the bushes and howling and biting with plenty of passion
but not one bit of sense or understanding as to why they do what they do.
Mothering instincts, indefensible when I posed no threat, unforgiveable
when I only wanted a fair share and to be treated humanly again.
I hate dealing with robots. The outcome of every interaction is predetermined.
And women will always win, no matter how it plays out,
in the hearts and minds of people we once loved together, they are gone,
they have left me forever and sentenced me with their averted eyes.
And she will never repent for the wrong that she has done tonight.
And every night, what she thought was best was misguided
but she never let me tell her what I needed from her to make it better.
I have tried to find patience through all this, against two people,
and I have been the victim of their viciousness and soullessness so many times
it defies belief, but I will be once again be censured, which is a cruel joke.
I just want them to go away forever, I don't love them anymore, I'm sorry I ever did.
No, I'm not sorry. I just misplaced my trust in the wrong people.
It's obviously they never really loved me. Loving someone means you love them
when it's inconvenient. It's obvious there's a shrine they've built up to the glory
of each other, to female survival, to defend blood even in the face of unreason,
to act like savages. Or it's a simple case of nonsentient obedience to their genes,
which is about as robotic as you can get. Vacuous, stupid, hard to even label "life."
Forget higher philosophy here, judge, I am bitten black and they have the bruises of
fair-skinned people who bruise hitting others or who self-inflict, or who act without
minds behind their eyes, and law will continue to operate in the stone age ad infinitum
while the philosophers mumble volumes and accomplish nothing.
Sunday, December 31
Thursday, December 28
a plea to those who will listen
Being irrationally afraid of
Or prejudiced against those with
Emotional disorders
Or other inherited mental conditions
Is just as bad as hating them
For the color of their skin,
Their gender or nationality,
Or anything else they cannot control.
Be kind to people, especially if
Their lives are hard;
Especially if they didn't roll the
Right combination of dice at birth
To come up statististically average.
Judge people by their actions,
Tempered by an understanding of
Their strenghts and limitations.
Don't fall victim to groupthink,
Mob mentality,
Willful ignorance,
Xenophobia,
Or any of the other ugly attitudes
That marr this beautiful planet
Like black scars dug into
Its marbled surface.
Being irrationally afraid of
Or prejudiced against those with
Emotional disorders
Or other inherited mental conditions
Is just as bad as hating them
For the color of their skin,
Their gender or nationality,
Or anything else they cannot control.
Be kind to people, especially if
Their lives are hard;
Especially if they didn't roll the
Right combination of dice at birth
To come up statististically average.
Judge people by their actions,
Tempered by an understanding of
Their strenghts and limitations.
Don't fall victim to groupthink,
Mob mentality,
Willful ignorance,
Xenophobia,
Or any of the other ugly attitudes
That marr this beautiful planet
Like black scars dug into
Its marbled surface.
I've got the best family doctor and the best psychiatrist in the world. I can't imagine either of them being better people, more caring, or more competent. My family doctor is a genuinely sweet man and obviously truly cares about his patients. He's extremely honest with me and doesn't talk down to me when it comes to explanations of medical conditions. He's never turned me away when I needed to see him in an emergency or fail to listen closely when I was talking to him. He's one of the people I trust most in the world.
My psychiatrist is just the same. He is the model of a stand-up guy, humble and not artificial in any way, and even while furiously taking notes, always stays right with me in the conversation and is quick to point out my good traits or actions even as I am mourning some flaw in myself. And it's not some cheap tactic either; in his eyes I can see he really means it. He's complimented my reasoning ability and ability to understand complex situations, and he tells me so. Unlike so many intelligent but insecure or egotistical people, he puts his considerable wealth of knowledge and advice on hold and lets me talk. Only when the time is right will he offer some wisdom, and it's always something that shows he has a true understanding of my concerns.
To Drs. Carroll and Goodman, thank you. I literally don't know how I could go on without the two of you to help me through this tumultuous life.
My psychiatrist is just the same. He is the model of a stand-up guy, humble and not artificial in any way, and even while furiously taking notes, always stays right with me in the conversation and is quick to point out my good traits or actions even as I am mourning some flaw in myself. And it's not some cheap tactic either; in his eyes I can see he really means it. He's complimented my reasoning ability and ability to understand complex situations, and he tells me so. Unlike so many intelligent but insecure or egotistical people, he puts his considerable wealth of knowledge and advice on hold and lets me talk. Only when the time is right will he offer some wisdom, and it's always something that shows he has a true understanding of my concerns.
To Drs. Carroll and Goodman, thank you. I literally don't know how I could go on without the two of you to help me through this tumultuous life.
Monday, December 25
Scratches in a notebook.
Life could be good. It could be wonderful - literally, full of wonder. Endless expanses of new territories that recede into infinity but thrill all along the way, a heaven of the mind and body without the bugaboo of boredom. A kind of endless regression into the small and out to the large, into the mind and out to other worlds.
Or it could be a hell with no escape. Time could be an illusion and science may discover everything important and it turns out that all there is, all of reality, is just some kind of unsatisfyingly boring, lame mathematical contraption with its tiresome beauties and singularities, but no further frontiers to explore and conquer. It's left to the accountants to tidy up all the middling details.
Who or what determines reality? I can make myself feel really good sometimes, make things go just my way, have a great morning or evening and realize it may not be impossible to sustain this attitude forever, with discipline and a new attitude toward everything. All the self-help books, the cores of all religions, the competent shrinks, they all say the same thing: Happiness is in the Now, and you only have to let go and process one tiny moment at a time, and you will swell with grace and satisfaction and be relived from the burden of a higher mind that creates the illusion of dissatisfaction and suffering.
But some people remain shackled their entire lives in misery. It's a comfort to them, actually; a routine they've adopted to evade the chaotic hells that throb all around them, waiting to smash their pretend confidence to pieces, reduce them to a sniveling infant curled into a ball. They fear rolling down a hill that never ends. And as they hide the shadows grow longer and more empty, and the thing which waits for them outside the closet door gets ever more ghastly.
But I repeat: Who determines which people find the golden path, delight in the easy sunshine that is there for the taking, and which opt for the chalk cliffs of Beachy Head or the Golden Gate Bridge? Which fall somewhere in between, perhaps not even aware of the existence of either extreme? What being made us, and if everything evolved from simple beginnings and there truly is no God, no Answer, then what sense does any of it make and why does it exist and express itself?
Maybe it is like an infant child, born fussy and curious, chaotic and beautiful. Then it develops complexity, fooling the laws of thermodynamics with a trump card: natural selection. As it ages, it becomes further and further refined, like a crystal or a fern. It never reaches an end to its complexity, and never diminishes in its ingenuity to envision and make real new horizons. Or, just maybe, it hits a wall, and remains alone, a baby lost in the woods, crying, insane. Maybe life ends here and then there is nothing.
I have a general idea of what leads to my physiological "upness" or "downness" on a day to day basis. I take my meds, get a little exercise, think positively about myself and the day unfolding, and I can be pretty sure I will not meet Satan that day, or if he tries to drip his honey in my ear, I will laugh and expediently dismiss him as the phantom he is, replacing his seductive laziness with positive affirmations and recommitment to strength of character.
Or if I don't take my meds, or I take too much of something I shouldn't, or drink too much, and I lunge for a moment with God, to try to experience a ribbon slice of his ecstatic and eternal continuity, to taste just for an instant what that must be like, I always fail. I fail because I was fooled into thinking our tiny minds could grasp the magnitude and character of that magisterium when it has surely evolved for other reasons. I fail because I expect an outside agent to deliver to me that which I have not earned through hard work - through reciprocation.
Is reality something that's there all the time, and our minds just dance around it, perceiving it in different bands of its spectrum and calling our experiences moods, disorders, or revelations, or do we create reality with our neural nets and face a creation that is barbaric or angelic, depending on our temperaments? Are we "brains in vats" in some way, writing out our own story as we go along, truly possessing Free Will but not bodily reality (whatever that may mean)?
I don't know the answers to any of these questions but I find the asymmetry of creatures of all ilk to prefer order, predictability, and security over random change and overly-gambling moods compelling. This is somewhat like all life on earth being "left-handed," as it were, on the molecular level (it is). In the end, it just is that way so far as we can tell with all our reason, and this seems good enough to me. After all, if perfection in the form of absolute symmetry and regression at all scales were the true character of the universe, then nothing would ever move. No chemical reactions take place. No blogs updated. To a perfectionist it is hard to "go left instead of right" without having a reason, or balancing it out in some other way, but I would rather fight on and carve out this existence than give in to an impulse which makes my heart cold to even contemplate.
I cannot justify this logically. But I can feel something within me wanting to survive. It's just my genes, to be sure, but in the end we always face that question of questions: Why something rather than nothing? Nature chose (or didn't have the option not to choose) to manifest itself; who am I to disobey its mandates: multiply, complexify, adapt, and repeat. Until.... who knows.
Maybe we are building a God instead of him having made us. Maybe we've gotten it wrong all these years. But I will try to create some beauty in the world as long as I can keep my biology working properly. If that fails me and life becomes too much of a burden, I'll calmly descend the elevator, hand over my keys at the desk, and check out. But for now, things seem ok. Happy Christmas to those who celebrate. Peace be to everyone.
-Justin
Life could be good. It could be wonderful - literally, full of wonder. Endless expanses of new territories that recede into infinity but thrill all along the way, a heaven of the mind and body without the bugaboo of boredom. A kind of endless regression into the small and out to the large, into the mind and out to other worlds.
Or it could be a hell with no escape. Time could be an illusion and science may discover everything important and it turns out that all there is, all of reality, is just some kind of unsatisfyingly boring, lame mathematical contraption with its tiresome beauties and singularities, but no further frontiers to explore and conquer. It's left to the accountants to tidy up all the middling details.
Who or what determines reality? I can make myself feel really good sometimes, make things go just my way, have a great morning or evening and realize it may not be impossible to sustain this attitude forever, with discipline and a new attitude toward everything. All the self-help books, the cores of all religions, the competent shrinks, they all say the same thing: Happiness is in the Now, and you only have to let go and process one tiny moment at a time, and you will swell with grace and satisfaction and be relived from the burden of a higher mind that creates the illusion of dissatisfaction and suffering.
But some people remain shackled their entire lives in misery. It's a comfort to them, actually; a routine they've adopted to evade the chaotic hells that throb all around them, waiting to smash their pretend confidence to pieces, reduce them to a sniveling infant curled into a ball. They fear rolling down a hill that never ends. And as they hide the shadows grow longer and more empty, and the thing which waits for them outside the closet door gets ever more ghastly.
But I repeat: Who determines which people find the golden path, delight in the easy sunshine that is there for the taking, and which opt for the chalk cliffs of Beachy Head or the Golden Gate Bridge? Which fall somewhere in between, perhaps not even aware of the existence of either extreme? What being made us, and if everything evolved from simple beginnings and there truly is no God, no Answer, then what sense does any of it make and why does it exist and express itself?
Maybe it is like an infant child, born fussy and curious, chaotic and beautiful. Then it develops complexity, fooling the laws of thermodynamics with a trump card: natural selection. As it ages, it becomes further and further refined, like a crystal or a fern. It never reaches an end to its complexity, and never diminishes in its ingenuity to envision and make real new horizons. Or, just maybe, it hits a wall, and remains alone, a baby lost in the woods, crying, insane. Maybe life ends here and then there is nothing.
I have a general idea of what leads to my physiological "upness" or "downness" on a day to day basis. I take my meds, get a little exercise, think positively about myself and the day unfolding, and I can be pretty sure I will not meet Satan that day, or if he tries to drip his honey in my ear, I will laugh and expediently dismiss him as the phantom he is, replacing his seductive laziness with positive affirmations and recommitment to strength of character.
Or if I don't take my meds, or I take too much of something I shouldn't, or drink too much, and I lunge for a moment with God, to try to experience a ribbon slice of his ecstatic and eternal continuity, to taste just for an instant what that must be like, I always fail. I fail because I was fooled into thinking our tiny minds could grasp the magnitude and character of that magisterium when it has surely evolved for other reasons. I fail because I expect an outside agent to deliver to me that which I have not earned through hard work - through reciprocation.
Is reality something that's there all the time, and our minds just dance around it, perceiving it in different bands of its spectrum and calling our experiences moods, disorders, or revelations, or do we create reality with our neural nets and face a creation that is barbaric or angelic, depending on our temperaments? Are we "brains in vats" in some way, writing out our own story as we go along, truly possessing Free Will but not bodily reality (whatever that may mean)?
I don't know the answers to any of these questions but I find the asymmetry of creatures of all ilk to prefer order, predictability, and security over random change and overly-gambling moods compelling. This is somewhat like all life on earth being "left-handed," as it were, on the molecular level (it is). In the end, it just is that way so far as we can tell with all our reason, and this seems good enough to me. After all, if perfection in the form of absolute symmetry and regression at all scales were the true character of the universe, then nothing would ever move. No chemical reactions take place. No blogs updated. To a perfectionist it is hard to "go left instead of right" without having a reason, or balancing it out in some other way, but I would rather fight on and carve out this existence than give in to an impulse which makes my heart cold to even contemplate.
I cannot justify this logically. But I can feel something within me wanting to survive. It's just my genes, to be sure, but in the end we always face that question of questions: Why something rather than nothing? Nature chose (or didn't have the option not to choose) to manifest itself; who am I to disobey its mandates: multiply, complexify, adapt, and repeat. Until.... who knows.
Maybe we are building a God instead of him having made us. Maybe we've gotten it wrong all these years. But I will try to create some beauty in the world as long as I can keep my biology working properly. If that fails me and life becomes too much of a burden, I'll calmly descend the elevator, hand over my keys at the desk, and check out. But for now, things seem ok. Happy Christmas to those who celebrate. Peace be to everyone.
-Justin
Thursday, December 21
I sneaked into the movie theater today and caught a double feature: Rocky Balboa and The Holiday. I'd heard good things about Rocky, and it has a high tomato score, while I thought The Holiday might be just a little too full of coincidences and clichés, and its tomato rating was subpar. But still, it had a great cast, and more importantly it started like 5 minutes after Rocky ended - perfect for movie hopping!
I won't go into a detailed analysis of each movie, just that my expectations were the reverse of my experiences. Rocky was fine, certainly not embarrassing, and it left you with a good feeling, more holistic and less ecstatic than the highs most sports movies try to achieve. Stallone's character is humble and seems to be finding wisdom with age, and there are a lot of quips from him that sound natural and not written in "by force" to make us laugh, which is why we do. He's one of us. The problem is the supporting cast, which does nothing to help him out. And the final fight scene, which I was looking forward to being something special, turned out to be rushed and anticlimactic - maybe even deliberately so, as an artistic statement. So, like I said, a decent good-values movie, even a good character study of the aging protagonist, just not an exciting boxing flick.
The Holiday on the other hand surprised me a bit at each turn. I won't say it's without its rom-com clichés, but the characters are all so good looking, well-dressed, and charming that it's still fun to watch them work. It avoids the big crisis or misunderstanding in the middle that gets resolved at the end before everyone lives happily ever after. Instead there are minor misunderstandings or difficulties that must be overcome along the way, and it all goes pretty smoothly. The dialogue is above average, and there's fairly good chemistry between the couples - one a bit more than the other. I like Jack Black a lot but his character wasn't developed nearly enough, leaving his quirkiness a bit of a non sequitur. I know the writers were probably trying to avoid having a cast of four beautifully bland model-types by going in a different direction with Black's character, but it just didn't work very well for me. Still, it's a solid and up-to-date romantic comedy that resists overutilizing today's memes/zeitgeist and left me smiling and noticing the all the cute woman in my midst just a bit more. *Sigh*
I won't go into a detailed analysis of each movie, just that my expectations were the reverse of my experiences. Rocky was fine, certainly not embarrassing, and it left you with a good feeling, more holistic and less ecstatic than the highs most sports movies try to achieve. Stallone's character is humble and seems to be finding wisdom with age, and there are a lot of quips from him that sound natural and not written in "by force" to make us laugh, which is why we do. He's one of us. The problem is the supporting cast, which does nothing to help him out. And the final fight scene, which I was looking forward to being something special, turned out to be rushed and anticlimactic - maybe even deliberately so, as an artistic statement. So, like I said, a decent good-values movie, even a good character study of the aging protagonist, just not an exciting boxing flick.
The Holiday on the other hand surprised me a bit at each turn. I won't say it's without its rom-com clichés, but the characters are all so good looking, well-dressed, and charming that it's still fun to watch them work. It avoids the big crisis or misunderstanding in the middle that gets resolved at the end before everyone lives happily ever after. Instead there are minor misunderstandings or difficulties that must be overcome along the way, and it all goes pretty smoothly. The dialogue is above average, and there's fairly good chemistry between the couples - one a bit more than the other. I like Jack Black a lot but his character wasn't developed nearly enough, leaving his quirkiness a bit of a non sequitur. I know the writers were probably trying to avoid having a cast of four beautifully bland model-types by going in a different direction with Black's character, but it just didn't work very well for me. Still, it's a solid and up-to-date romantic comedy that resists overutilizing today's memes/zeitgeist and left me smiling and noticing the all the cute woman in my midst just a bit more. *Sigh*
Monday, December 18
Sunday, December 17
Just saw Charlotte's Web, and I think I must've bawled through about half the movie. I knew going in this might happen, since I bawled through almost the entire book when I was little. These stories always get to me - selfless sacrifice, not for renown or glory, for maybe such deeds will never even become known, but simply because it is the right thing to do, to help someone out and in the process ignore your own self-concern.
We have such few examples of truly selfless people in this world that when I hear of their deeds, I get choked up. I would like to do good to the end of my days. Real good, not to be noticed or thanked for it, not so I can feel like I'm a good person in some sort of therapeutic cleansing. Not in a way which would benefit me at all. Just do good and help people the best I can, anonymously if it works out that way. I want to be a humble, pleasant person for the rest of my life.
I haven't always been humble, but I want to be now. I've been pleasant to most people, and some damaging people in the world have worked their way in close to me and abused my vulnerabilities. But I want to remain pleasant and not give into the evil cynicism that infects so many. The "real world" or "the streets" or "the game." I come down with dreadful bouts of accepting yet despising seeing the world on this level, but always at some point find a way back to being loving, taking nothing for granted, being humble. At these moments, I feel like a kid. The world seems to offer endless wonder rather than endless fear.
I want to stay by this warm fire of childlike wonderment, and if I have to read children's books and watch children's movies to remind me from time to time what true virtue is, then I will do so. The cynical, materialistic, cannibalistic values of mainstream society are not for me. Thank you, Charlotte, for your kindness and your sacrifice. You are a model for us all. Good night and peace be with everyone.
We have such few examples of truly selfless people in this world that when I hear of their deeds, I get choked up. I would like to do good to the end of my days. Real good, not to be noticed or thanked for it, not so I can feel like I'm a good person in some sort of therapeutic cleansing. Not in a way which would benefit me at all. Just do good and help people the best I can, anonymously if it works out that way. I want to be a humble, pleasant person for the rest of my life.
I haven't always been humble, but I want to be now. I've been pleasant to most people, and some damaging people in the world have worked their way in close to me and abused my vulnerabilities. But I want to remain pleasant and not give into the evil cynicism that infects so many. The "real world" or "the streets" or "the game." I come down with dreadful bouts of accepting yet despising seeing the world on this level, but always at some point find a way back to being loving, taking nothing for granted, being humble. At these moments, I feel like a kid. The world seems to offer endless wonder rather than endless fear.
I want to stay by this warm fire of childlike wonderment, and if I have to read children's books and watch children's movies to remind me from time to time what true virtue is, then I will do so. The cynical, materialistic, cannibalistic values of mainstream society are not for me. Thank you, Charlotte, for your kindness and your sacrifice. You are a model for us all. Good night and peace be with everyone.
Thursday, December 14
Real Love. (for Nicola)
I know this world
A world curled about a flagpole
We're asked to die for what someone says is right
Without feelings
But my feelings for you
Well, all I ever wanted
Since I was old enough to know the difference
Was real love
Maybe it's the coy way you tease me
Or in my despair the way you please me
Just by being there
Just by smiling
Openness doesn't come easy to you
You've kept things in your whole life
Content to observe
Fascinated by others
Maybe it's this mirror-shyness
I find so irresistable
You stood out like a candle in the dark
The first time I ever talked to you
And my feelings for you now
Well, some things never change
I look back upon our exchanges
And I feel you near me
Real love
The kind can't money can't buy
That sheer talent cannot guarantee
Is still there for you and me.
I know this world
A world curled about a flagpole
We're asked to die for what someone says is right
Without feelings
But my feelings for you
Well, all I ever wanted
Since I was old enough to know the difference
Was real love
Maybe it's the coy way you tease me
Or in my despair the way you please me
Just by being there
Just by smiling
Openness doesn't come easy to you
You've kept things in your whole life
Content to observe
Fascinated by others
Maybe it's this mirror-shyness
I find so irresistable
You stood out like a candle in the dark
The first time I ever talked to you
And my feelings for you now
Well, some things never change
I look back upon our exchanges
And I feel you near me
Real love
The kind can't money can't buy
That sheer talent cannot guarantee
Is still there for you and me.
Upcoming blog featurettes!
I'm working on a few different exciting projects that are sure to please my non-audience, which I intend to post on this blog. One is Animal Wars, a huge NCAA tournament-style battle between the toughest animals on earth to see which mighty warrior of the natural word emerges as the one not to be messed with. Man is excluded from competing naturally. The other is a brief rating/mini-review of all the movies I have seen in 2006, whether they were released that year or I just waited till then to see them. I've kept decent notes in my journal about most movies I've seen, so I'm not just talking out of my ears here. And third is a dramatic play in three parts about the birth of the Lord, his subsequent flight from Bethlehem, and the eventual fulfillment of his destiny as the Messiah. Hehe, just kidding about that last one.
So look forward to animals wars, movie reviews, and maybe some other surprises coming up very shortly, as well as excellent art and tolerable poetry as per usual. Viva la addo lux lucis!
I'm working on a few different exciting projects that are sure to please my non-audience, which I intend to post on this blog. One is Animal Wars, a huge NCAA tournament-style battle between the toughest animals on earth to see which mighty warrior of the natural word emerges as the one not to be messed with. Man is excluded from competing naturally. The other is a brief rating/mini-review of all the movies I have seen in 2006, whether they were released that year or I just waited till then to see them. I've kept decent notes in my journal about most movies I've seen, so I'm not just talking out of my ears here. And third is a dramatic play in three parts about the birth of the Lord, his subsequent flight from Bethlehem, and the eventual fulfillment of his destiny as the Messiah. Hehe, just kidding about that last one.
So look forward to animals wars, movie reviews, and maybe some other surprises coming up very shortly, as well as excellent art and tolerable poetry as per usual. Viva la addo lux lucis!
Tuesday, December 12
It is my fate to wander beneath the stars
Homeless and homesick
For as long as the light of day burns
And the industrious hone their crafts
Diligent, tireless
And ceaseless is the world of man
In its turning
I will cast no shadow
Turn yellow eyes into the moon
And sing my songs of lament
For a life that cannot be mine.
Homeless and homesick
For as long as the light of day burns
And the industrious hone their crafts
Diligent, tireless
And ceaseless is the world of man
In its turning
I will cast no shadow
Turn yellow eyes into the moon
And sing my songs of lament
For a life that cannot be mine.
10 December 2006
- I became anxious, moved into a full-blown out of body panic attack which klonopin didn't help, and became unusually suicidal more than just scared.
- I felt I was having a psychotic breakdown; I don't know exactly what is meant by psychosis, but my hold on reality became quite tenuous.
- I felt death by my own hand was imminent, and I welcomed it. I didn't want to call for help, just to say goodbye to a few people.
- I suddenly became tremendously sad for so many things in my past and cried uncontrollably for a time.
- Realizing I might actually carry through with a suicide plan this time, I regained some cogency and made a few notes for people to find.
- These notes described what I would like done with my writings, computer files, and the rest, and how people should be notified.
- As of this moment (Dec 10th) I am still in the throes of this madness, and I don't know whether I will ever emerge. I suspect I will.
- I don't want to be hospitalized. I want to make it on my own because either I have it within me to do so, or I want to move on to the next world.
- I feel alone when I am isolated, but no more than when I am surrounded by crowds. Only in the company of a lover or good friend do I feel some thawing of the mind.
- I feel separated from my body and its actions. I feel like I am watching a movie of my life.
Monday, December 11
If you don't like what I post here then don't read it. I'm not trying to offend anyone or garner sympathy, this is just my journal. Lots of people have deep dark things in their journals. Mine just has the stones to be up on the web. And I usually write when I'm down, so it's going to be biased that way too. I'm not always an empty, morose person. But when I am, I blog about it.
Publish my book; it's almost done.
Archive my things, the ones that matter.
Be my Christopher Tolkien.
Do what you will with material items.
Someone get my voice files to Nic, Debbie, and Jessica.
Please find Nicola. Tell her I really did love her.
Call her dad or her mom. Numbers on my cell phone.
Don't be afraid people! I'm not afraid, not anymore.
It's a vast sea but there's a friendly shore
I've seen in my dream, maybe even before.
Archive my things, the ones that matter.
Be my Christopher Tolkien.
Do what you will with material items.
Someone get my voice files to Nic, Debbie, and Jessica.
Please find Nicola. Tell her I really did love her.
Call her dad or her mom. Numbers on my cell phone.
Don't be afraid people! I'm not afraid, not anymore.
It's a vast sea but there's a friendly shore
I've seen in my dream, maybe even before.
10,500
If I could go back to the beginning by ending this time, this age
And picking up where a new one left off, and is starting
Where the golden sun awoke again from the turmoil of the ageless
Pall-black ocean and made the world special
I would
But six years may be too long to wait
And a hundred thousand people in my town alone mill about like ants
Except not as cohesive or functional; they spend time fighting each other
And in their inefficiency leave so much to be desired, but ants do not
Desire, and they are inefficient by themselves as well
Maybe I am too unkind
Maybe everything unwinds like a stone clock carved into granite walls
And Olmec heads do not depict separate ethnic races
And there is no master civilization
And maybe all my words are words of madness and desperation
Except for one thing:
To me they are truth
And I can only live my life and make choices
Based on my perception of the truth.
If I could go back to the beginning by ending this time, this age
And picking up where a new one left off, and is starting
Where the golden sun awoke again from the turmoil of the ageless
Pall-black ocean and made the world special
I would
But six years may be too long to wait
And a hundred thousand people in my town alone mill about like ants
Except not as cohesive or functional; they spend time fighting each other
And in their inefficiency leave so much to be desired, but ants do not
Desire, and they are inefficient by themselves as well
Maybe I am too unkind
Maybe everything unwinds like a stone clock carved into granite walls
And Olmec heads do not depict separate ethnic races
And there is no master civilization
And maybe all my words are words of madness and desperation
Except for one thing:
To me they are truth
And I can only live my life and make choices
Based on my perception of the truth.
All My Love.
All the love I have to give would not be enough
To heal you completely but I give it anyway
I want nothing in return except to see you smile
Someday
Without that dark edge of weariness
Carved around your golden brown eyes
It takes everything I have to let you go right now
So that you can survive
All the rain that has fallen has not extinguished your flame
If you believe in yourself, then it never can
I'm only a wanderer who's gone lost in the woods
Circling around on his own muddy tracks
You found me and took me into your heart and led me back
To civilization again
And you claim to have thin skin
But all the brutality of this world hasn't made you crack
If I had happiness in my heart to share,
I would give it all to you
But I think the creation of happiness takes two
And all my love, such as it is,
Is yours as long as you can bear; I will be here
To hold you in my arms when you leave your cocoon.
All the love I have to give would not be enough
To heal you completely but I give it anyway
I want nothing in return except to see you smile
Someday
Without that dark edge of weariness
Carved around your golden brown eyes
It takes everything I have to let you go right now
So that you can survive
All the rain that has fallen has not extinguished your flame
If you believe in yourself, then it never can
I'm only a wanderer who's gone lost in the woods
Circling around on his own muddy tracks
You found me and took me into your heart and led me back
To civilization again
And you claim to have thin skin
But all the brutality of this world hasn't made you crack
If I had happiness in my heart to share,
I would give it all to you
But I think the creation of happiness takes two
And all my love, such as it is,
Is yours as long as you can bear; I will be here
To hold you in my arms when you leave your cocoon.
Saturday, December 9
Friday, December 8
Neihtúl.
The rain is a piano stuck on one note
The look on your face in candlelight
Is precious
I'd climb ladders to repair leaks
Stuff rags against sills to keep out the
Natural chaos of night
Just to see you in that soft light
Your face round like perfection
A toothy smile to make you human again
And a look in your eyes that no place
Or time could seem to place
It's almost as though you were dislocated
Temporarily
From the very fabric of temporal space
The rain falls like drums and now, perhaps
It is hailing. Just as well - we're soaked
From our efforts to keep ourselves dry
We collapse in a pile laughing, splashing
And your blond hair sweeps my face for
Yet another time. What's the story now?
Is this just another dream?
I feel the walls wavering and fading...
No matter how hard I work or pray
You remain forever out of reach
Our evenings of love and laughter always in my mind
Subject to the prodding jabs of friends and shrinks
And I just want to cry right now
With the fury of a thousand such storms
To give me a real day, some way forward
An avenue to my beloved, precocious girl
Who laments to me that she knows so little
But in a short span showed me the world.
The rain is a piano stuck on one note
The look on your face in candlelight
Is precious
I'd climb ladders to repair leaks
Stuff rags against sills to keep out the
Natural chaos of night
Just to see you in that soft light
Your face round like perfection
A toothy smile to make you human again
And a look in your eyes that no place
Or time could seem to place
It's almost as though you were dislocated
Temporarily
From the very fabric of temporal space
The rain falls like drums and now, perhaps
It is hailing. Just as well - we're soaked
From our efforts to keep ourselves dry
We collapse in a pile laughing, splashing
And your blond hair sweeps my face for
Yet another time. What's the story now?
Is this just another dream?
I feel the walls wavering and fading...
No matter how hard I work or pray
You remain forever out of reach
Our evenings of love and laughter always in my mind
Subject to the prodding jabs of friends and shrinks
And I just want to cry right now
With the fury of a thousand such storms
To give me a real day, some way forward
An avenue to my beloved, precocious girl
Who laments to me that she knows so little
But in a short span showed me the world.
One more from Tupac. Only a few cusswords too!
"Only God Can Judge Me."
Perhaps I was blind to the facts, stabbed in the back
Couldn't trust my own homies cause they're a bunch of dirty rats
Will I succeed? paranoid from the weed
And hocus pocus try to focus but I can't see
And in my mind I'm a blind man doing time
Look to my future cause my past is all behind me
Is it a crime, to fight for what is mine?
Everybody's dying tell me what's the use of trying?
I've been trapped since birth, cautious cause I'm cursed
And fantasies of my family in a hearse
And they say it's the white man I should fear
But it's my own kind doing all the killing here
I can't lie, ain't no love for the other side
Jealousy inside, will make em wish I'd died
Oh my Lord, tell me what I'm living for
Everybody's droppin got me knockin on heaven's door
And all my memories, of seein brothers bleed
And everybody grieves, but still nobody sees
Recollect your thoughts don't get caught up in the mix
Cause the media is full of dirty tricks
Only God can judge me.
I hear the doctor standing over me screamin I can make it
Got a body full of bullet holes layin here naked
Still I can't see, something's evil in my IV
Cause everytime I breathe, I think it's killin me
I'm having nightmares, homicidal fantasies
I wake up stranglin', tangled in my bedsheets
I call the nurse cause it hurts to reminisce
How did it come to this? I wish they didn't miss...
Somebody help me, tell me where to go from here
Cause even thugs cry, but do the Lord care?
Tryin to remember, but it hurts
I'm walkin through the cemetery talkin to the dirt
I'd rather die like a man than live like a coward
There's a ghetto up in Heaven and it's ours, "Black Power!"
Is what we scream as we dream in a paranoid state
And our fate is a lifetime of hate
Dear Mama, can you save me? And fuck "peace"
'Cause the streets got our babies, we gotta eat
No more hesitation each and every black male's trapped
And they wonder why we suicidal runnin round strapped
Mista Police, please try to see that there's
A million motherfuckers stressing just like me
Only God can judge me.
"Only God Can Judge Me."
Perhaps I was blind to the facts, stabbed in the back
Couldn't trust my own homies cause they're a bunch of dirty rats
Will I succeed? paranoid from the weed
And hocus pocus try to focus but I can't see
And in my mind I'm a blind man doing time
Look to my future cause my past is all behind me
Is it a crime, to fight for what is mine?
Everybody's dying tell me what's the use of trying?
I've been trapped since birth, cautious cause I'm cursed
And fantasies of my family in a hearse
And they say it's the white man I should fear
But it's my own kind doing all the killing here
I can't lie, ain't no love for the other side
Jealousy inside, will make em wish I'd died
Oh my Lord, tell me what I'm living for
Everybody's droppin got me knockin on heaven's door
And all my memories, of seein brothers bleed
And everybody grieves, but still nobody sees
Recollect your thoughts don't get caught up in the mix
Cause the media is full of dirty tricks
Only God can judge me.
I hear the doctor standing over me screamin I can make it
Got a body full of bullet holes layin here naked
Still I can't see, something's evil in my IV
Cause everytime I breathe, I think it's killin me
I'm having nightmares, homicidal fantasies
I wake up stranglin', tangled in my bedsheets
I call the nurse cause it hurts to reminisce
How did it come to this? I wish they didn't miss...
Somebody help me, tell me where to go from here
Cause even thugs cry, but do the Lord care?
Tryin to remember, but it hurts
I'm walkin through the cemetery talkin to the dirt
I'd rather die like a man than live like a coward
There's a ghetto up in Heaven and it's ours, "Black Power!"
Is what we scream as we dream in a paranoid state
And our fate is a lifetime of hate
Dear Mama, can you save me? And fuck "peace"
'Cause the streets got our babies, we gotta eat
No more hesitation each and every black male's trapped
And they wonder why we suicidal runnin round strapped
Mista Police, please try to see that there's
A million motherfuckers stressing just like me
Only God can judge me.
More obvious observations that seem easy to follow when you're not actually depressed.
Sometimes depression is just a matter of not having enough energy. With ample energy stores, the human mind and body become intolerant of complacency and push the individual to engage in some activity, even if a full philosophical justification has not been submitted and approved. Since action leads to more action, some kind of jump start like caffeine or a stimulant drug can get the ball rolling and sideline the depression temporarily. But to sustain such momentum is another story. It's no wonder there are so many coffee and meth addicts; people want to feel "up".
But for me, the crash that comes afterward, or the ever-deteriorating state of wellbeing and sanity that accompanies constant stimulation is not worth the positive benefits. Exercise is probably the one true "high" which doesn't make you feel bad afterward. I would imagine long, intense meditation might be another. These are the less easy ways to obtaining energy and momentum, but truer and more sustainable. Exercise and meditation. The cure to everything, seemingly.
Sometimes depression is just a matter of not having enough energy. With ample energy stores, the human mind and body become intolerant of complacency and push the individual to engage in some activity, even if a full philosophical justification has not been submitted and approved. Since action leads to more action, some kind of jump start like caffeine or a stimulant drug can get the ball rolling and sideline the depression temporarily. But to sustain such momentum is another story. It's no wonder there are so many coffee and meth addicts; people want to feel "up".
But for me, the crash that comes afterward, or the ever-deteriorating state of wellbeing and sanity that accompanies constant stimulation is not worth the positive benefits. Exercise is probably the one true "high" which doesn't make you feel bad afterward. I would imagine long, intense meditation might be another. These are the less easy ways to obtaining energy and momentum, but truer and more sustainable. Exercise and meditation. The cure to everything, seemingly.
I see the world like hans holbein,
hp lovecraft, vilhelm hammershoi,
edgar allen poe, ian curtis, edvard munch.
I see the world the way another human being
might see an alien society
in the distant mirror of some terrible dream.
It paralyzes me from buying in
or making choices which require data
from a tap that has run dry.
I'm at the end of my mind
now I have to try to escape inside.
The sky was nearly black today at noon.
hp lovecraft, vilhelm hammershoi,
edgar allen poe, ian curtis, edvard munch.
I see the world the way another human being
might see an alien society
in the distant mirror of some terrible dream.
It paralyzes me from buying in
or making choices which require data
from a tap that has run dry.
I'm at the end of my mind
now I have to try to escape inside.
The sky was nearly black today at noon.
Sunday, December 3
Saturday, December 2
This means all. It's Christmas time, why don't people see or reflect? Why are we slaves to our biology? Why then intellect?
We do we create and proliferate and use and discard? We will soon replace ourselves with genetically perfect biomachines. How is that a help to us and where is this all going?
Use your brain. Stop advancing technology. Stop wiping out ecosystems. Stop living simply for your own short-term pleasure. Stop trying to "get ahead". Ahead of what? Where you are right now is most probably just fine.
We do we create and proliferate and use and discard? We will soon replace ourselves with genetically perfect biomachines. How is that a help to us and where is this all going?
Use your brain. Stop advancing technology. Stop wiping out ecosystems. Stop living simply for your own short-term pleasure. Stop trying to "get ahead". Ahead of what? Where you are right now is most probably just fine.
Temple.
And the people say
Mutterings at which I only grasp, red iPod strapped
To my arm, and songs in the palms of my hands
They seem like Nazis so sure of themselves
Why are people so sure of themselves?
They certainly have no more knowledge than I do
And yet they laugh and jump in the pool
Are they the children of God or just his mindless tools?
I am not afraid to die
I have been forged from something stronger than steel
My life has taken twists and turns, sometimes unreal
My last meal was a dozen beers and eight hours of meditation
I stay religiously on my medication, but
Does this make me a good citizen or a cretin?
I think I've proved the purposelessness of motion and still
The people play and smile
I don't know why I get in evil or foul moods
I wish I or someone somewhere understood
My heart feels it is an engine for good
And repels all invaders, hideous in form
With mechanical intentions inside their heads
When I look at other people, I wish they were dead
Or that I could be mercifully extinguished
My fickle outer form shed
I don't know why it's love or hate with me
Black or white and no shades of grey with me
I'm certainly not a bad person in my own mind
But I am persecuted relentlessly by demons I cannot find
Nor exorcise
I hope my molecules disperse to regions separated my miles
Maybe our star will explode and some bit become divine
I have a mental illness that is hard to bear
People tell me to get off the fence but they don't know
How hard it is to commit to something, to care
When your mind and your corporeal body lean elsewhere
When all you've ever been bred for was implosion or god
How disappointing in the end to find just another vagrant
With the intelligence of ancients and the presence of a slob
If I could do it all over again I would avoid
As many people as I could, to keep them from pain
When I ran away and left all my promises wanting
I would hug the nearest saguaro cactus to drive me insane
And be removed from people otherwise tamed
And if women came along who tried to coddle and explain
I would erupt in a shower of needles and bathe their brains
In the blood of the Antichrist
And no part of me remain;
I'm sorry I can't be who you think I am.
And the people say
Mutterings at which I only grasp, red iPod strapped
To my arm, and songs in the palms of my hands
They seem like Nazis so sure of themselves
Why are people so sure of themselves?
They certainly have no more knowledge than I do
And yet they laugh and jump in the pool
Are they the children of God or just his mindless tools?
I am not afraid to die
I have been forged from something stronger than steel
My life has taken twists and turns, sometimes unreal
My last meal was a dozen beers and eight hours of meditation
I stay religiously on my medication, but
Does this make me a good citizen or a cretin?
I think I've proved the purposelessness of motion and still
The people play and smile
I don't know why I get in evil or foul moods
I wish I or someone somewhere understood
My heart feels it is an engine for good
And repels all invaders, hideous in form
With mechanical intentions inside their heads
When I look at other people, I wish they were dead
Or that I could be mercifully extinguished
My fickle outer form shed
I don't know why it's love or hate with me
Black or white and no shades of grey with me
I'm certainly not a bad person in my own mind
But I am persecuted relentlessly by demons I cannot find
Nor exorcise
I hope my molecules disperse to regions separated my miles
Maybe our star will explode and some bit become divine
I have a mental illness that is hard to bear
People tell me to get off the fence but they don't know
How hard it is to commit to something, to care
When your mind and your corporeal body lean elsewhere
When all you've ever been bred for was implosion or god
How disappointing in the end to find just another vagrant
With the intelligence of ancients and the presence of a slob
If I could do it all over again I would avoid
As many people as I could, to keep them from pain
When I ran away and left all my promises wanting
I would hug the nearest saguaro cactus to drive me insane
And be removed from people otherwise tamed
And if women came along who tried to coddle and explain
I would erupt in a shower of needles and bathe their brains
In the blood of the Antichrist
And no part of me remain;
I'm sorry I can't be who you think I am.
Friday, December 1
The Middle Way.
I sold my soul to some guy named Faust
Who turned around and pawned it off on the Devil
I just laughed when I heard, I know too well
Who got the better of that deal
They say I'm an agnostic
But I don't know what that means
I thought those were primitive jawless fishes
That roamed the early seas
I don't really care about things I can't
See, touch, smell, hear, or taste
And chuck out smell, that sense is a waste
I'm heading to my grave one way or another, face it
And I can pick up a cause and fight with my brothers
Or be a lost cause and die in the gutter
Or I can find the middle way, in plain sight the whole time
Sometimes the easiest answer is actually right.
I sold my soul to some guy named Faust
Who turned around and pawned it off on the Devil
I just laughed when I heard, I know too well
Who got the better of that deal
They say I'm an agnostic
But I don't know what that means
I thought those were primitive jawless fishes
That roamed the early seas
I don't really care about things I can't
See, touch, smell, hear, or taste
And chuck out smell, that sense is a waste
I'm heading to my grave one way or another, face it
And I can pick up a cause and fight with my brothers
Or be a lost cause and die in the gutter
Or I can find the middle way, in plain sight the whole time
Sometimes the easiest answer is actually right.
10 Tips to fighting.
0. Know you're going to win. Visualize how you'll secure the momentum and maintain it.
1. Stay serene. Don't fight angry. Anger makes you sloppy.
2. Stay alert. Don't let your mind get ahead of or behind the moment. There is only NOW.
3. Punch with purpose, step into it, and follow through. Don't let up, but don't get predictable either.
4. Head shots are effective, but don't forget to work the body too. Avoid the crotch absolutely.
5. If your opponent kicks, you may use kicks as well. Use them like punches, against the head and body.
6. Don't ever bite, use your nails, or other such barbarous tactics, unless actually fighting for your life.
7. Don't fight dirty. If your opponent falls down, let him stand up. If he yields, respect his dignity.
8. Don't run your mouth taunting. It makes you look insecure. Let your fists do the talking.
9. Don't hold a grudge afterward, win or lose. Analyze the fight and learn from what happened.
0. Know you're going to win. Visualize how you'll secure the momentum and maintain it.
1. Stay serene. Don't fight angry. Anger makes you sloppy.
2. Stay alert. Don't let your mind get ahead of or behind the moment. There is only NOW.
3. Punch with purpose, step into it, and follow through. Don't let up, but don't get predictable either.
4. Head shots are effective, but don't forget to work the body too. Avoid the crotch absolutely.
5. If your opponent kicks, you may use kicks as well. Use them like punches, against the head and body.
6. Don't ever bite, use your nails, or other such barbarous tactics, unless actually fighting for your life.
7. Don't fight dirty. If your opponent falls down, let him stand up. If he yields, respect his dignity.
8. Don't run your mouth taunting. It makes you look insecure. Let your fists do the talking.
9. Don't hold a grudge afterward, win or lose. Analyze the fight and learn from what happened.
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