Wednesday, March 19

Deep water.

I feel the weight of the ring on me, every day, feel myself worn out and aged beyond my years. I feel the eye upon me, every night, filling me with offal and tyrannical blues. Reds. Wish I'd been snuffed out before I could breathe. Wish I had the will to see through correcting that mistake now. Wish I were happy I suppose, but happy seems an alien feeling to me right now, a vintage wine I tasted a couple of time in a previous life and have almost forgotten the taste of, fleeting as it was, and I've no wine cellar and no more money and happiness seem ridiculous to suppose is in my cards.

I've lived a life. I've been part of a family and raised a child, held down some well-paying jobs and bought a new car. I just don't want to go on anymore. I don't want to keep waking up and feel that sick sensation in the pit of my stomach when I realize I'm still here and another day has to be faced. I don't want to start all over, invest myself a hundred percent in life, in career and relationship and health, for that is the alternative to self-destruction for me. I cannot bear to do anything in the middle. And I've found only incomplete crumbs of reasons to commit to that one hundred percent, and the effort seems way beyond me now in any event. I'm completely and hopelessly lost in the briar patch and out of shape for that sort of thing, like asking a broken down man in a nursing home to go be with the girl who loves him, knowing he'll want to train for a marathon for her and will probably keel over or burst at the seems giving the effort.

I think it's time to go. I wish people would understand how unhappy I am and how hard life is for me on an daily basis, with only brief respites of air like a seal coming up under the arctic ice, but there's always a bear lurking by my air hole. And the deep waters hold nothing but horrors for me. I am trapped inside a mind and body that is living a life I do not want anymore. There is the occasional spark of brilliant light and color, like the retinal afterimage made by a firefly or a distant camera flash or a falling star, but these are always swallowed up again by inky darkness, and they are rarer now and more muted and further away. A few people care about me but I don't seem to care about myself enough to be able to give what I should in return. Old friends have gone away. Old memories of contentment are far away; they only make me cry and go into a ball to think about them. Problems don't go away. People don't love you and then walk away.

Swimming the same deep water as you people is too hard. Reluctantly, I choose the bear.

6 comments:

Sara said...

There is nothing that I can tell you that you don't already know. Nothing that I can say that is any substitute for a silence of respect and acknowledgement for your pain. I feel deep frustration and sadness that we are so far apart, because I know that what you need right now is loving arms, warm food, and a safe place to be where you are not alone. I can only offer you these things from the friendship in my heart and it makes the world seem a cruel and bewildering place.

The only thing I would say, J. is that like Frodo in Mordor, it helps to cast your mind back to past summers, sunlight, loving arms, beautiful walks and all those things that connect us with the good Earth. This stuff is real too and I believe you are strong enough and wise enough to complete your journey here.

Don't give up unless you know one hundred percent for sure in your heart that you've done all you came here to do.

I love you.

Metamatician said...

I love you too.

Thank you for even trying.
=(

Mandula said...

Hey, if you go, dont go too far. Just as far as I can still reach you, okay? Promise! :)

:hungarian hugz: :*

Mandula

Rob Windstrel Watson said...

I fear to add any comment lest it makes you feel worse but, in the short time I have known you, I have come to care and to say nothing feels to me to be cowardly.

However, wise Magdalene, I suspect, has said it all so I will merely lend support to what she has said by saying "me too!"

Maalie said...

Meta, please stay around a while longer. Your blog is one that I read and enjoy... and gets me thinking

Metamatician said...

Wow, thank you Maalie. Your blog does the same thing for me. You live a very experiential life and have done many great things and been extraordinarily involved. I basically do nothing but sit and read and think and write, much like the Greeks thought they deduce truth without dirtying up their Paltonic deductions with real-world, sometimes ugly facts that didn't quite fit.

I guess it takes all kinds. Thank you for your kind words and I mean it when I say they really mean something coming from you, whose life, career, and opinions (what I know of them), I truly respect. Your love of nature and science is something we both share.

I'm feeling better, not great, but I think the worst has passed. I feel bad about scaring my readers (friends), but then again my readers help me when I'm in a bad way, so I suppose all of you can feel good that you've helped me through a rough time. Thank you, once again, for all the positive words.

I love and respect all you guys and gals! I don't plan on going anywhere just yet, now. There are still things I want to do...

Archived Posts

Search The Meta-Plane