It's hard to know what to think these days, even from minute to minute inside a given day. I have so many mixed emotions. I want to forgive people, come together again. I want to destroy people, make them pay for their arrogance and outright cruelty. I want to ask for forgiveness, unsure that how I've lived has been right.

I vacillate between all these states, feeling persecuted, apathetic, compassionate, angry, and regretful. I don't know whether I'm an angel of heaven or hell. Probably I'm just an ordinary person, but maybe one who experiences emotions with an extraordinary sensitivity, and has been cursed with the power of self-analysis.

I wish I was a giant saguaro with nothing much to say, and nothing to fear. I wish I was a stone in the middle of Joshua Tree National Forest, or a flake of snow falling with only moments to have to be brave. The middle child - seed of malcontent; too aware, too long for this short time.