Modus vivendi

My love, my friend, bear with me:
Just carrying on living is meaningless without memory
And memories can be unbearably sad
When I think back on all the days that have sighed away
I'm not even sure who I am anymore
I used to think I was a quiet kid with a blue bike
And an active imagination and cammouflage jeans
Then I saw the folly of children's play and took up
Consumption of literature, a peek at what the sharpest,
Heartiest souls and minds have glimpsed on their adventures
And I tried to hone my body to higher levels of excellence
Until I found my ceiling, hoping it never came,
But then I moved away and lost my place in the
Great scheme of things and I was just another boy
In another schoolyard still afraid of the ball
And I hid back inside my imagination, which was
This time around not nearly so kind; I felt my mind reeling
From constantly bigger thoughts and connections
Saw the game that everyone played and
The excellence crusade as a sham
And so I spent long years in search of a philosophy
On which to base any further days
And though I dug and dug, and found friends
And good people along the way, I also found bog-rot
And black holes under the sand and other things
You shouldn't think about for too long
But I was locked on like a missile and couldn't dodge
That bad, black dog
The injuries I sustained were deeper than
Any insult by teeth cuts or talon, I fled
From the safety of imagination into some kind of timeless
Reshuffling of moments and days with no linearity
And the yellowed walls I walked and the hall
Where the Jamaican woman handed out our little paper cups
Was dropped into place right next to tulee reeds
In the rain on the other side of the Lake
Those trees that scared me foolishly now loomed and
Laughed at me fearlessly, all around me
And the guy in the white mask who smelled like a cigar,
He was too too close to me and I knew what revulsion was
Stayed broken in spades three-colored on recycleable
So I brought home a small cat and held him
Hoped he would trust me and love me, and he
Ran off as soon as he got the chance on the 5th night
That we ever had; Now my kitten is gone and I sit here
And cry because it seems like the Nile that my
Days once floated upon smoothly has swollen up, flooded
My head with blood and bodies and then gone dry,
And all I can honestly ask for now is to return in
Some miracuous fashion to make the small circles
Around me smile and welcome me home with ancient love,
Or to never put two thoughts together again
For the rest of my life, for to shuttle between two worlds,
A stranger to both and running scared is no way to live
I tell you, it is nothing but death, and even such
A breathless and dull fading of vitality
Is no courageous way to die.