Wednesday, March 7

reds.

his last days were so full of pain
and spikes of anger
how had he ended up this way
the world a stranger

hold on sylvia
I'm coming to hold you soon
listem to you tell your stories to the moon
and I'll wait for you nicola
maybe I'll be able to paint by then
maybe they'll have made you a saint by then

his last thoughts were far, far away
disconnected
it's not sadness but a final, tired apathy
that defeats our self-protection

hold on john and marvin
I can't wait to close my eyes and hear you sing
spend an eternity drifting
I'll keep a place in line for you, mom and heath
in the minute chance I'm wrong
in my disbelief.
Posted by Metamatician on Wednesday, March 07, 2007

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

NOT GOOD. You should be in a hospital getting the care and comfort you obviously need.

You need to demand this.

Don't fool yourself for a second-- Those that love you, even those who you are not in contact with, will be totally devastated if you carry this out.

Make no mistake, that this will have a negative effect that will span the decades.

Can you "live" with that?

March 07, 2007
Metamatician said...

I've a strong feeling you're someone close to me or formerly close to me, and I appreciate your point of view. But nobody knows what it's like to be anyone else and if you were me and been through what I've been through, you just might be at this point I am.

I've wrestled with the problem of hurting other people for years, which is why I'm still around to write this. But at some point after you've tried so many things, life just isn't worth living and other people shouldn't expect or even want you to continue to suffer. It would be selfish of *them* to do so.

I wish there was a legal Right-To-Die law in this country where I could choose to leave on my own terms, painlessly and expectedly, and while it may hurt some, they would get over it the way you get over it when someone dies of cancer or whatever.

I'm not trying to devastate people or make any kind of statement. I live alone with very little contact with anyone. I am very unhappy and sleep my days away, and I've tried nearly everything under the sun including electroshock therapy and yet still I hate being here.

I believe that is justification enough for what is, in the end, a personal choice everyone must make. My old family - wife and stepdaughter - don't want anything to do with me whatsoever so it's not like I'll leave behind too long a trail of tears. They would probably just as soon I disappear off the face of the earth.

My "birth" family would be hurt, but I've been a burden on them long enough now and at some point it's not fair to keep doing that. And I DON'T want to placed in a longterm hospital or care facility where I'll never live a full, free life.

So yes, I can live with this.

March 09, 2007
Anonymous said...

I understand now; you are preparing your friends and family of the inevitability of your suicide. You even stated your method (Reds = Secobarbital). How very tragic!

I am not suggesting a life sentence in a long term hospital, rather an extended stay of a determined length to foster a life renewal. Have you tried this?

March 09, 2007
Metamatician said...

I've been hospitalized several times but each time was only about a week and the purpose was seemingly just to keep me physically safe for awhile. I've done outpatient therapy more than half a dozen time to try to find some purpose or desire to live. I've been on almost every med you can think of, and at times they have worked, but never completely and never for much longer than a few months to a few years; even then, my life has been fairly joyless, just not as horrible as before.

What do you suggest? What other kinds of treatments are there that could find some kind of spark in me, if one exists, and nurture it into something that can actually sustain happiness or better yet, contentment? Right now I'm fasting and meditating. When I break my fast, I'll begin an exercise program and will try with all my might to stick to it. This is the only way I know to beat the blues, through hard work. There don't seem to be any magic pills out there.

Thanks for your concern and I'd be interested to hear your advice.

March 09, 2007
JOVIAN said...

absolutely brilliant poem, if overwhelmingly sad

March 10, 2007
Metamatician said...

Thanks, very appreciated.

March 10, 2007
Anonymous said...

I have lots of suggestions.

First of all, don't fast. A drop of blood sugar which will affect your mood. Eat small meals frequently instead.

Keep with your exercise regimen.

If you are on Social Security Disability, talk to you social worker and let them now how desperate you feel. It's time for a new game plan.

If you aren't on SSD, you should consider applying. Not only will you have financial support (and forgive me, I do not know if this is needed), but you'll have a social worker that will monitor your care and treatment.

You and your family should contact your local chapter of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). NAMI offers FREE support groups, classes, and guidance for individuals and families plagued with mental illness. Take advantage with what NAMI has to offer!

NAMI also offers classes and support for families as well. Your support system needs to be strong and educated. This is important!

You should still consider long-term care. You should not be this alone and isolated.

Best to you.

March 11, 2007
Metamatician said...

You really know a lot! I'm lucky you came along. I will do as you suggest and try to hang on in the meantime. One of the worst points was when I realized even the "professionals" don't know everything and often disagree on treatment. Most medications haven't been around long enough to prove their efficacy and safety, and it often seems this generation is the guinea pig for new meds. Not that I would have wanted to live back when lobotomies were recommended.

I do want help but my support system as eroded to just a couple people. I lost my wife and daughter over this stupid dark cloud, as well as my ambition and achievements (so far) in life, which seemed so promising when I was young. Depression is truly "the noonday demon" but it is much more than that - it kills the life that runs through your veins. Real depression isn't even sad, it's just empty.

I've never heard of NAMI but I'll check it out. My mom says UC Davis and UCLA have research programs for mental illness. I'm not sure how I feel about being part of someone's cutting edge study, but maybe something will be found that helps. As far as other long-term treatments, what specifically are you referring to? The hospitals I've been to, as I've mentioned, have been little more than babysitting facilities.

I wish my family (and I) had been educated before my life fell apart, but life always offers another chance I suppose, if you can muster the effort (courage?) to let go and start over. You don't know me personally, do you? Just happening by?

Thanks again. -J

March 11, 2007
Anonymous said...

You once posted on a blog that I visit from time to time--that's how I found you.

As far as your short hospital stays are concerned, it sounds like you have been treated acutely. Acute treatments are short-term fixes designed to get a patient out of danger, or stabilized. You obviously have a chronic problem and this requires a long term approach. There are many approaches here and it depends on how functional you are living on your own.

Some options may be moving back with a relative and attending daily support groups/life skill classes; living in a group home setting; or an extended stay at a state hospital (it's is not as scary as it sounds, I have a close relative that was in a state mental hospital for 2 years and received very good care). At the very least you should be attending some sort of counseling or group meeting every day.

You are right, it is going to take work to find your place in life again. I was recently told by an MD that anti-depressants aren't designed to make you happy, they are designed to remove that horrible edge. In removing the lowest lows, you are able to have the means to find your happiness. There is no magic pill that is going to make you feel happy--I wish more health care professionals were upfront about this.

I'm sorry about your loss. Depression has many victims. But it does not have to be the end of your world.

March 12, 2007

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