A dream that can never end

My body aches all over. Some of it is surely the lingering effect of my first real foray to the gym several days ago. But I've also been unable to sleep for more than a few restless hours at a time, and it takes it's toll. Not sure if my serotonin levels are too high now or what - it's always a balancing act. Too little and you have no energy, no zest, too much and you can't relax.

Since increasing my Effexor I've felt more energetic, more inclined to call someone on the phone or venture to the office and calmly explain I may have been left a package. I've had numerous impulses to write up beginner's guides, to send out lengthy and profound emails for a good cause, even casually communicate with Sheila and other people who I normally avoid (through no fault of theirs, to be sure). My ability to handle complexity just seems greater.

Now, the down side. I feel a bit off balance, whether traipsing around piles of dirty clothes or riding my bike to the store. I'm not really happy either, just a little more driven. It's not relaxing or particularly satisfying. And I still get crippled by irrational fears, sudden pangs of doubt, and apathy. I feel like a zombie might feel if he were alive and had enough sentience to know he was a zombie.

It's easy to do nothing, to just let yourself rot away entirely, but since for the moment I seem to have this almost geriatric schedule of wakefulness, I'm going to spend more of it at the gym and going for walks. Maybe that will burn off some of the restlessness and yet still allow me to stay fairly positive. As far as my anxiety goes, that is a sandstorm I can neither predict nor control. My only real defense against it is medication.

Living under the constant threat of panic is like a little slice of hell served up to us while we're still on earth, a reminder of how entirely unbearable existence could become should the chemicals, stars, or essence of Atman deign to line up in a particular way.