Pointless

In many ways I don't love myself, don't respect myself, don't trust myself or think I'm worth a damn. But also, I feel like for my part, I've been passionate and big-hearted all my life. Weak-willed but big-hearted. I'm not snide and ironic, even when I'm seeming to be. I'm sincere, and things I say that may seem childishly simple or melodramatic are completely true and from my heart, I just don't know how to say them any other way. How to be sophisticated. Or cool. I just say what I'm thinking and filter as little as possible, and what comes out is the truth, whether or not it's also art.

I think people paid a lot of attention to me early in my life and that probably ruined me, because they've paid little since then except when I ran into disaster. I feel alone in the world. I'm nobody special anymore. I've been knocked down a rung or two, or ten, and though it's tempting to say people might actually want me to fail, I know they don't. It's more that they don't really care at all, except that something tragic not happen to me (which would cause them grief), and beyond that, it's my life to live the way I want. That's the truth about the way life is and how the world works - it just wasn't driven home in my case until much later than normal. Now my life feels empty.

I don't feel there is anyone who turns to me when they're sad or scared, who asks for help from me, who needs me. Justin the wonder boy, completely unneeded. We all want to feel important in some way, in someone's life. Maybe that's why people start families. It's a built-in support structure with people looking up to you and looking after you. You know you have a role to play, and that you're important in that regard at least. Right now, I feel unimportant in anyone's life, and so my life has little meaning to me. I'm not even very depressed right now, or scared. I just feel pointless.