I don't think people understand me much at all. Even most depressed people. "Trivial" things like missing a gathering of warmth and camaraderie I was looking forward to, just to break up my day for even a few hours and get away from myself, can set off major bouts of depression, like a chain of dominoes, and I can't will it to stop. My mood is beyond my control. I know because I've tried every way to control it that I know or that I've been taught. I've been in and out of mental hospitals, I've been on endless medications, I've had electroshock treatment eleven times, lost big chunks of my memory, lost my family; I've been to cognitive therapy classes, to Buddhist therapy, to "normal" therapy. I've read dozens of books on the subject. I know in greater detail than probably most anyone who is not a paid specialist how this all works, to the point I could probably hypocritically teach a class about the biology of a seizure, or a panic attack, or depression, along with how to cope with and defeat it.

I have been attacked by depression all my life. I've had rending existential realizations, sudden mood swings, anxieties that have triggered these bouts. Whether it's a stupid party at a bookstore, a word someone says to me, or a skyfull of clouds, something akin to a chandelier breaks inside me and that row of dominoes starts tumbling. I can take Klonopin, I can drink, I can meditate - none of it helps. I'm in for major depression that might as well manifest itself as shackles and chains on my bed. I'm tired of people telling me to cheer up or get some sun or think happy thoughts or listen to inspiring music. It doesn't fucking work. Maybe my depression is darker and deeper than others', maybe it's not even depression the way most people think of it; depression medication is handed out like candy, and suddenly all these people are on the meds, but their eyes go wide when I explain what my experience is like. I don't know.

All I want is to be released from this contract of life that I never signed, and to end this torment that comes and goes without reason. If you're angry with me for saying this because you think I'm weak or selfish, then you haven't a clue what it's like to live my life.