Saturday, September 9

Ennui.

I want to die on my own terms, and soon. I don't want pity, just understanding among those who are capable of it. I want my ashes scattered in a beautiful garden or thick deciduous forest. A redwood forest would suffice in a pinch. I just feel faced with so many choices, and none of them appeal to me.

People know when it's the end, this myth of survival at all cost doesn't wash with me. I've failed at everything. I've been the best person I could and I am I crying my eyes out every morning I wake up, disgusted and drained already at what I must to do face another day. I WANT to go. I want to succeed at that.

People will discover and understand me later. Or they won't, I suppose it won't matter to me. But if I can leave a leagacy of sadness but complete truth, then I want to. Children shouldn't "grow up". Adults should stop and examine their lives; get off the carousel. Get off drugs, of all kinds.

I want to succeed at something. Is this my last hope?
Posted by Metamatician on Saturday, September 09, 2006

2 comments:

oormila vijayakrishnan said...

Wow, Meta... So profound. I just love the poetry in this.

You know, this amazing girl I knew, committed suicide in Oxford, this January. She was super-brilliant, a junior of mine from University. She had it all but for some reason, gave up on life. Please do check out the blog in her memory, think you'll find it touching :

http://www.meetomalik.blogspot.com/

It is said of people who take their own lives that they are the biggest cowards. But I kind of think differently. I think it takes awful guts to take that scary step and extinguish one's life and take that leap into the great Unknown... I think it is the truly brave who take their own lives.
That does not go to say that I am for it, of course.It causes way too much pain to those we leave behind...So, brave as the act is, it is selfish too.
But boy can I identify with what you have written, Meta. Some days, you just wait and wait.. And think real weird thoughts like when and how will this miserable dragging life end? The worst thing about being depressed it that after a while, it begins to destroy not just you but also those who love you. So, for their sake, you put on that painted mask of happiness. And the depression shows only in subtle shades in the form of bitten down nails or dark under eye circles.They say that deprssion is the ailment of the super-brilliant, the creative mind but hey, that does not make me feel any better, thank you...

Depression is such an awful demon to deal with, such an awful demon...

But Meta, you please stick around ok... :-) You have way too keen a mind and far too feeling a soul to go poof on the world!

September 10, 2006
Metamatician said...

Thank you for the extensive reponse, oormila. You've a good soul, that is obvious, and from reading your blog you are well-read, intelligent, and thoughtful. So what you say means something to me.

In a way this blog is my dark side, where I get everything out so I don't act it out in real life. At least that's the intention. There are times when I don't see how I can possibly make it in this world. But knowing intelligent - and yet still kind and optimistic - people like you exist helps me to hang on.

Thank you.

September 10, 2006

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