9:10 pm

That didn't last long. I'm in a wash of tiny negative emotions now, not enough to shape a true fully-formed human being, but enough to jar me out of my place of sanctuary, or emptiness, which as least was preferable to this. It was airy and detached, a dream of a dream, the faraway observer taking notes dispassionately and feeling contentment if not joy or sorrow. I much preferred that to the grimy touch of frustration or uncertainty, or disappointment. These tiny stinging barbs that color perception and must be acknowledged, it's like a blow to the head to knock me out of my dazed reverie. I like being in my own world, since, physically I am. I don't like caring about the world outside my apartment on an active basis and being unable to do anything about it except deal with the feelings in an inadequate way. No, I'm not angry or sad. It hasn't gotten to that level. I'm just annoyed that I've come back into my fickle and tricky mind, to be at the mercy of its mood chemicals once again, and have lost that noble detachment that I couldn't understand but didn't really mind either. It's always a fine line, and where the line is always changes. I would far rather be Li Mu Bai swaying aimlessly with the bamboo than Jen, reaching for the pinnacle of skill and ambition in a cloud of dust and rage.