The Existence.

I have a great brain, a wonderful brain, a marvelous brain, a fantastic brain. And so does everyone, no doubt. It just needs to be freed to think uninhibitedly. I just went through a weird cleansing period where I slept for 24 hours. In that time, which was further magnified by the dilating effect of dreaming (either time really slows down for the dreamer or more likely the pace of uninhibited thought is so great that "information density" per second increases, resulting in a seeming vast stretching of time as the mind perceives it) and so felt like weeks or months (or longer), I went back over seemingly everything I knew and what I understood about reality and how it is constructed, and then beyond into ways of modeling reality and understanding things that I had never gotten to before.

In the end I felt strongly that I understood everything, not any sort of "why" but every sort of how. If it really happened or was possible to speculate on, I could model it and understand it either formulaically or geometrically or both. Breaking down the endless complexity of a real situation into idealized models and asking the pertinent questions and answering those while leaving the irrelevant details out, I felt I could teach the essence of any situation presented this way on a white board with markers, making it very easy to understand in terms of behavior of basic geometric shapes over time.

I could see how an economist would model the world from a given vantage point in terms of value, and living behavior in such a way as to maximize the net gain of value over time. This applies to everything, not just money. As a motivated living being you want to maximize the acquisition of value while minimizing the loss of it. Knowledge is not only power but value; it's impossible to make these judgments without a complete and accurate understanding of the situation.

But I saw beyond all this. I speculated about the nature and variability and "shape" of time - whether it was linear or could be folded back around on itself to connect the end to the beginning, to create a great circle. Or put a twist in it and make it into 1-dimensional moebius time. Or if it were the surface of a sphere or shape of another topology, and what that would mean for our subjective experience within its stream. "We" played with all variables, zoomed in and out of the details of every phenomenon, analyzed everything you could imagine to show it was all consistent and nonmagical, required no outside hand to interfere once it was postulated.

We came down off drugs in a rehab center; we flew a spaceship and targeted destructive objects in our path using triangulation, the sum of vectors, and understood it intuitively. We modeled real life situations - a medieval town, a frat party, the digging of ancestral bones, decision making at gunpoint, altering the past, and each time came to understand how everything unfolded and how to put value on each possible decision. I had the kind of insights Einstein described, where at every point during the analysis of some simple-seeming situation strange phenomena would present themselves that others might dismiss or accept as part of the "arena," part of the fixed background, and the easiest method of explanation that remained consistent with what had come before and which required no new laws or behaviors sometimes would cast old ways of thinking aside or twist existing phenomena into an unexpected shape or direction. Thus his general relativity, which I understood in those hours intuitively. And thus many, many other similar examples, which I understood and could turn around and teach to someone with a reasonable mind in a reasonable way, just by performing thought experiments and modeling.

And it was so simple, I was shocked to see it all laid out like that. Unfettered, my powers of clarity were so much greater than they are awake. I knew upon awakening that the egregiously slow nature of human communication via talking or writing was completely insufficient for transferring this simple but vast amount of data from one brain to another, or from the brain into an understandable archival form like language; like I'm doing here. So I'm not even going to attempt an explanation of anything. It would be impossible solely with words anyway, you have to see it. I'm not even going to zoom way out and describe the scenarios that I analyzed and solved (explained) in those "weeks". Really, there is not enough bandwidth in communicating this way to do other than the rudest job of conveying some of the wonder I felt in being able to use my fully unlocked brainpower for a time and to form a complete synthesis of virtually everything I knew from experience and everything I could turn around and postulate thereupon, which in its turn was also enormous.

Any turning of dials I could accomodate, no matter how it transformed things. The models can be stretched, compressed, skewed, torsionally transformed, sheared, or a hundred other operations and still hold true relationally within their new context. I showed schoolchildren how real-world situations "really" worked by modeling them and making it so simple that they could understand their own behavior, the behavior of others, the motion of inanimate objects, the nature of time and space that these objects (and they themselves) operated in and interacted with... everything. And the only things left out were details unneeded to describe the situation at the level desired. They could be included or excluded as you moved the slider up or down. The amount of time to model all the players and fully exlpain an event of course increases exponentially as you incorporate more and more of the chaos - the details - into the model, but it doesn't make the final model any more or any less valid. Usually a very simplified accounting of primary objects and forces is all that is needed to explain 99% of what is going on. To explain that final 1% would take exponentially greater and greater amounts of time. It's parabola shaped. You can never explain 100% in realtime no matter the computing power or bandwidth, because those things and the explanation itself are a part of it and must be accounted for. But it's all there to be approached asymptotically. Attainable, graspable. Envelopable - by the unfettered mind.

As soon as I woke it was gone, and what I've put down here is like scratching a couple lines on a branch or a rock in what now seems a jungle of complexity. I can still feel the fading ghost of what it was like to have it all figured out fading away from me. But I don't have the power of mind anymore to do more than smell this trace scent vanishing on a tailwind. It was awesome and fantastic, like the mind opened up on LSD, but naturally, and unafraid of the scale and scope. Indeed I knew I'd have to wake up at some point and that this would pop the balloon. I could even choose when to do it and though I never wanted to, I couldn't sleep forever. Too bad wakeful life makes us live in some kind of severely restricted sub-space rather than experience the true radiance and flow of the real thing. The music of the universe is indeed awesome, if all-consuming and eventually exhausting.

I suppose this is why filters over the mind are in place. It's just that for a naturally curious mind like mine, after I've forgotten what it's really like, I start on a frantic quest to make sense of what I CAN perceive - and end up needing antidepressants to keep from going mad. Filtering doesn't work for me. To other people who don't worry about it as much, or don't even know what they aren't seeing, I guess it works well. Again, the "why" question, if there is such a thing, is never touched on any level of perception. That's a whole different concept. But the essential singularity of The Existence, that is something that just has to be seen. We're all the same thing and all part of it, and a pull in one direction is a push in another, as it were. But awake I cannot perceive it as such and must go on the faith of my descriptions, the faith of a dreamlike memory. It's hard enough fitting myself back into this body and looking out through these hazy windows we call eyes. Why is this whole dress-up doll, separation game necessary? It only pits arms against legs against pincers of the same creature, as it were. The same dream spins in every mind and generates the relevant identities and viewpoints and memories to create a new person, a person who is no net addition to the Only person, as it were.