The movie Pathfinder truly sucks the pelotas. I know what you're thinking, because it's the same thing I was thinking: How can you possibly screw up a movie with Vikings fighting Indians? But screw it up they did. I won't even delve into any kind of a review, I'll just point out some of the lowlights. Let's see. The accents were all over the map - Karl Urban sounded American but not American Indian. He was supposedly raised by them yet has no trace of their lilting way of speaking. Nor does the female lead, who barely looks Indian (I was convinced she was Asian until I saw the credits). She is apparently, but I'm willing to bet she's of a different nation than most of the other members of the cast. She's the typical tough pinup babe in every b-action movie.

No one can act in this movie, which is OK because there are maybe about two lines of dialogue, both of them cheesy. The action-movie cliche rating = high. All the characters are stereotypes. There is no plot whatsoever. The action scenes are confusing, muddied, and derivative. Every scene featuring a sword goes suddenly into slow motion, yet nothing really innovative ever happens choreographically. Worst of all are the "effects," which I will not call special effects because there's nothing special about them, except maybe that they suck especially hard. Everything looks like it was shot in a studio with fake snow and at most 12 people onscreen at any given time milling about in ridiculous nonhistorical armor, while some kind of matte painting/CGI/composite blurry background stretches out behind them. I understand that certain directors are known for a "stylized" look rather than strict realism, but if that was the intention here it went over like lead balloon. The director, production designer, and all the artists ought to get together in a motel room and fall on their swords so they can never make another movie again.

There are some nice aerial shots of the Canadian Rockies (I believe) which are impressive, but really they only serve to make the closeup action look even worse. This movie sucked pretty bad even for a bad movie. I'm gonna have to bust it with only 1 star. I've read people online comparing this to 300 or Conan the Barbarian. That's a complete joke. First of all, Conan was a subtle masterpiece and if you don't agree you're wrong. Secondly, 300 had waaaayyyyyy more blood and beheadings. That's why that one ruled and this one didn't. Directors: If you're not gonna put any effort into constructing a plot, hiring capable actors, building plausible sets, or writing any dialogue, then you have to have beheadings. Lots. That's one of the most fundamental filmmaking rules there is, and this one shamefully, criminally broke it. Bad movie! I'm gonna go see 300 or even Brokeback Mountain now just so I can walk around feeling like a man again. If you were thinking of watching this movie, save yourself $10+ and stare at a powered-off TV for two hours. It will be a much richer experience, and you can still eat popcorn and drink Coke if you want.

OK, maybe this review was a little too harsh. The Viking armor, while being totally unrealistic, WAS cool. And some of the shots of them approaching the Indian settlements like monsters out of the mist had some artistic merit. But everything else sucked!