Midday.

Life feels really old and unnecessary. It's repetitive. Everything's asleep except me. Or I'm asleep and this is a dream. That seems to make more sense than when I was supposedly dreaming and felt so alive, so vital, so all-knowing and at the edge, flexing my mental muscles as hard as I could. Now I'm supposed to be awake and yet I feel deceased and calm.

Life is surreal and pointless. The sun coming out of the rain looks serene. Talking to a therapist about my emotions is surreal. My emotions don't feel like a part of me; I feel detached. In fact, I don't even feel like I'm in that body (mine). I watch myself doing what I need to do, hear myself reacting and saying things, but it doesn't seem to be coming from me really at all. Just some auxiliary function that's running. I'm here in another world, listening.

The sky overhead and all the rainclouds and moving around for other cars, driving - that was surreal. Petting my cat and hearing and feeling him purr makes me feel serene. My eyes are unfocused. I don't have any anxiety or any purpose. I feel other than who I am. I don't live in the present, in this apartment, I'm not medicated, sedated, sleeping or awake. I'm not too warm or cold. I'm jaded, surreal.

The people I think about from years ago are just names. Life has changed completely. My wife and daughter seem like concepts that haven't been part of the scenery in front of me for a long time, if ever. I don't feel anything at all. The day seems surreal. It's so quiet after the rain. But people are moving through town in their cars, I guess working or going to appointments or getting lunch. I guess I worked at one time but that was another lifetime. That was before I broke. Now I can only look at people with holes for eyes, and I don't have to worry about anything anymore.

No one can be bigger than me or scare me, it's pointless to try. There's nothing inside me to scare. Or to excite. I guess I exist and am living, technically. I'm fully functional, I just don't feel real. The movies of animals surging through the tall grasses, certain music - music that really goes for broke - some of it breaks through. The animals are in a life and death struggle but watching them makes me feel serene. Watching animals doesn't scare me.

Death doesn't scare me at all. I wish it would just happen, I guess, instead of waiting around for it. I don't want to do anything else in the meantime. I don't want to lose my serenity. I don't want to feel real and be scared and have emotions again. I don't have any feelings about anything now. If I get thirsty I drink something cold. If I'm hungry... well I don't often get hungry these days. I nibble a bit on things.

I don't see people during my normal day, not one. Sometimes I see my mom or I have an appointment with someone, and then I sit to the side and watch myself talk and answer questions. It's surreal. It's not me in any way. I guess it feels fine right now, to be like this. There's nothing to love about it, but I'm not scared anymore. Not for the moment, hopefully not for a good long time. I don't want to go back to being scared.