LIKE STARS
elbows on knees
head in hands
can't even cry anymore, too sad.
drinks a fifth a day
throws his life away
because what is life anyway.
i have no reason to feel moral about his actions
i have only sympathy and compassion
there must be an easier way.
we all shine like stars
some of us flame up like supernovae and are lost
black holes in our spots.
some go on and on eating, excreting
getting fatter and redder
until they die with a sigh and a whimper and a shudder.
and some try to kindle but are never born
somebody makes a choice for them
and their own choice is gone.
and the great beyond may even be out there
it may have existed before me
there may yet be more to see.
i don't know.
but death is too alien to thinking about
to my human mind today
today i will do something fun.
and let the hawks in the trees
scan the ground for rodents in the leaves
and just try to receive.
Wednesday, June 13
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12 comments:
Bad day huh? Pardon me for asking...tell me to mind my own business if you like, but are you actually accessing any kind of appropriate professional support when you need it, or do you just manage Meta World alone? I so hope that at the very least you have access to some good old fashioned hug therapy from one or two close friends.
Actually, no! Not a bad day. I was thinking about depression and how it really consumes some peoples' lives, and it certainly has done for me for a long time. But the person in the beginning of the poem is not me. Maybe what I used to be - though I never drank that much - but sometime like me. The end I found more hopeful in proclaiming that rather than dwelling on meaning and death, two implacable foes you will never defeat, I would just take today and make it the best day I could, as I will do today. I'm actually recovering from very severe depression in the last 5 years in which I've been on every medication you can think of, been hospitalized multiple times, and finally had ECT (shock therapy) in 11 sessions which pretty well wiped out my memory and my sense of self in large part for a long time, and led to the crumbling of my marriage.
So, coming from that background, I find this blog to be quite cathartic and while I still have my bad days, there are nearly as frequent or intense as they used to be, I think they're just - bad days! I am really trying hard to rebuild my life after not wanting to live for so long, maybe 15 years or more. You just have to take one step at a time.
I do see a psychiatrist and am otherwise in good hands too for the most part, though I really have no friends and trying to get back to seeing my daughter and being friendly with my wife is something I am trying to focus on. But I like who I am right now a lot better than I used to, even though I know I have miles to go yet.
I hope you have support as well for your depression and that your "new" relationship is the good, supportive, nurturing kind and that you are healing from the hurts of your past. That's all you can do, and for me, I am doing all that I can do at the moment to make my life better.
Thank you for your concern though. I know my blog in general and my poems specifically can be very dark. I suppose I just call it like I see it, and then hopefully let it go. That's what Buddha or Mr. Lao would counsel, right?
Cheers and thanks again for the comment.
And I have my mom. She's been my backbone.
You wanna see some really dark stuff, go back through the archives :-|
Better yet, don't. I'd hate to bring YOU down.
Thanks for filling me in. Brave guy, and I don't say that in any patronising sense whatsoever. You never know for sure what stage people are at in managing their life issues and having suffered from depression myself at various stages means that my antennae are probably better tuned than some when it comes to picking up on fellow sufferers. Also, if I was a Pooh Bear book character I'd definitely be Kanga! :-)
I've not been through half of what you've had to put up with from a medical point of view, but nonetheless can say at times hell has been a place on earth.
It's so great when we get to a stage in our lives when we can use our experiences as a kind of springboard from which to relaunch ourselves, and yes thanks, my new relationship is with a fellow kook who is very nurturing and probably one of the most emotionally intelligent men I've ever known. Some of the stuff you write sounds a lot like him which is maybe why I noticed your blog in the first place! Writing is incredibly healing. Thank goodness we are able to use this medium not only for our own healing but also to connect us to fellow travellers along the way.
Have a great weekend! (Mine will be spent last minute supply buying for next week's Glastonbury Festival. More on that soon.)
Thank you for caring and responding. I'm really happy you have someone who IS emotionally mature to keep you company. That's so important. I'm sort of stuck at that point. I get so lonely. I'm really introverted and protective of my privacy, so I virtually never meet anyone and as such really have no friends.
Have you had problems when you've gone through periods of depression of keeping friends? Most of them seem to vanish in a poof. I know I need to socialize, but it's a chicken and egg problem. I don't know how to get started because I don't feel I have much to offer as a friend sometimes, am wary of time commitments, enjoy the freedom of having virtually none, and most people seem so superficial anyway.
It seems like that first step toward finding good friends who understand and will be there for you is such a huge step, I can't get up it. I need a bigger ladder or something. Or a change in myself somehow. But it's hard to change your own nature.
Oh and I've always been Eeyore :-|
I'm looking forward to hearing about the Glastonbury Festival!
The friendship thing can be a tough one... Mainly, I have to say that I've been really blessed when it comes to friends. I think that when I was younger I developed a fairly extrovert personality possibly as a way of hiding insecurities. Also because I tend to empathise with people in pain I've probably gone out of my way at times to reach out to others which means that people in turn reach back to me. One of my hardest lessons in life has been learning to love myself and take care of myself in the same way that I treat others. I have to say though, that the times when things have been really dark, I've found it very hard, nigh on impossible at times to tell anyone how I'm feeling and ask for help. This has become easier over time I guess. We Capricorns are stubborn and independent people.:-)
Sometimes, when I'm really stuck I find that simply asking for help in a 'spiritual'sense does bring forth what I need in order to progress. I'm in a good place at th moment having extricated myself from a very unhalthy career situation, but I'm very aware of the Yin and Yang of everything and that life is about constant change. It sounds like such a cliche, but it really is just one day and one step at a time.
More soon when I've recovered from music, mud and mayhem!
Good grief! I should run my own reader contest...count the typos!
Eavesdropping here it seems, but I just can't help to say that I can certainly relate to Magdalene (hi Magdalene) in the place of being empathic. From the outside it seems to mean you're understanding and caring and it IS about that, but it's also about losing yourself to another's pain. I experienced this deeply when several of my dear relatives were going through very hard times, that I acquired panic disorder, though I've always been anxious and a worrier.
I can understand Meta very well....knowing you just HAVE to get through each day whether you feel like it or not, and if possible try to make the best of it. Depression, which I also have always had to some degree, took 50 years to rear it's ugliest head. We definitely need people to rely on, talk to, be with. I do understand it's hard to make the move yourself, but no one can do it for you either - except maybe helping you take that first step into a room of people. Group therapy - I can't say first hand, but I think it would be useful, but more than that, I would suggest getting involved in something that doesn't have anything to do with your conditions. Something FUN and outside of your living space. We all need to be in the world and not just observe.
These are things I'm sure both of you are already aware of and probably just said the same thing. I do get the idea that being a negative person (I'm an Eeyore too at heart, but at times a Kanga, Rabbit, or Pooh)can sometimes keep others at a distance, maybe having their own problems and not needing more. You may not even know they are aware of it, but I think it shows in your body language or eyes possibly, and they might want to steer clear.
When I walk into a store and not greet the owner or at least look at them, they tend to ignore me. I have to remember that, otherwise I have the tendency to think I'm not worth talking to. It's not really their fault, it's just a vibe I may be giving off. It's up to us how people see us. If we walk with confidence and a smile (when appropriate!) on our faces, others will smile in return. It's reassuring to me that most people do care.
Friends are so important. It's hard for me to just pull one out of a hat, so I need to find a way to join a group or class. It's the way I met my last great friend. Other people are out there without friends too. We need to find each other for fun times and support. The trick for we who are depressed is to not let it show as often as we may feel it. Let it pass through us on days when we're with a friend. Keep busy and not dwell on our failures - keep pushing foward. It's the only way I think.
I'm ready to find a therapist again. Even though I've been unsuccessful in the past, there is someone out there who will be just the right one. I may try a man this time, hopefully a buddhist - a different perspective.
Meta, I wish you lots of good times ahead and a way through this mess and out into fresh air again. Magdalene, you're doing alright it seems, so keep up whatever is working for you.
Wow, thank you both for all your thoughts and just as importantly, for even taking the time to visit my blog and comment. I appreciate it a lot and always get excited when I see there are new comments. You both have good suggestions. It's something I'll have to continue to work on, maybe with a psychologist, to get myself out into the world and make some friends. It's kinda like sorting the wheat from the chaff, that's the part I don't like. I mean, there's plenty of people, but I seem to be picky on who I like to spend time with, or else it's the opposite and people I find interesting don't seem to want to keep anything going with me. But the idea of joining a group of some sort that's not a therapy group but maybe some kind of sports team, running or cycling group (casual), or a book club would expose me to people with some of my same interests without putting pressure on me to HAVE to make any commitments. That seems like a good step, now I just have to figure out where information about such groups exists, and overcome my fear of dropping into an already-established group or whatever and everyone looking at me. Sounds so childish I know, but I'm really shy sometimes.
Start on Craigslist.....then just pop in and see who's there, stay for the time period or not. Before I joined the aqua aerobics class a few years ago, I went the day before to make sure they weren't all going to be 21, and me the only one over 50! I'm the same way, which is probably dumb, but it's me.
Good suggestions. I think it could be really helpful to find a group where people are drawn together by similar interests. That way you've got something in common already and you'd be likely to focus on that rather than problems. Getting started is the hardest thing, but once you've made the first move, the next steps get so much easier. And it's really true that when you're open to others and reach out even with a smile, people are far more likely to reach back with the same. Have you ever read 'What was I Scared of?' by Dr Seuss? It's one of my favourite kids books. Funny and true! See if you can find it somewhere online. I think you'd like it!
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