Recovering.

It just makes me feel normal, relived, confident, a bit inspired, knowing I have some safety net, everything is not so skeletal, there is softness and comfort in the world. We are all in this together, and there are almost 7 billion of us out there. Computers keep us chained and yet connect us to places elsewhere. I feel so different that without the little tiny molecules that bind to my receptor sites that reassure the neurons there that things are quite alright, I would be a different person as you have now seen. And I am not scared. I feel humbled, but I feel human again. I am no alien castoff from another shore that landed upon this blue world full of people with strange eyes and looked at myself in the mirror and felt my heart drop to the floor. It is not all bad out there. We carve out a niche and find confort there, as long as we allow the passage of air and people and keep ourself pushing and eager, and keep it a home and not a nest. For nests can become silk cacoons, and in a jungle of noises the pink baboon by the light of the moon is sharpening his auburn spear. I have had enough and I want to start somewhere. But one thing at a time. One task. I can't get overwhelmed and do nothing, till another jolt of panic, another jolt of hopelessness followed by volts that made me manic, till another external force over which I have no control comes along to dictate my life. I want control of my life and not to let anyone take hold of my life. I want financial security, though it is a long ways off. I want maturity, emotional, physical, logistical, nutritional. I want to finish growing up and if it involves pain, I accept. But I never want to face the cliffs of Taeglin again, wounded to my heart, on the brink of diving in, on the brink of dying, on the precipice of sin. For it would be a greater sin not to be there for the people who in turn need me. Whatever support I can give them, family or friends, I give it gladly and free. Maybe turning it around and helping will set other souls free, and in the end my own. Not because I want it so, but because it's what happens when you let all your wants go.