Wednesday, May 16

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the people who are new, or innocent. Or pure, hate tension, criticism, conflict, violence, destruction. I am made of these things. Whatever purpose Jesus or Lao Tsu or Confucius had for me, they screwed up. Or I'm being made an example of. But I will do me best to play my rôle. Is it cognitive dissonance that prods me to find a justification of my whims, or is it fated certitude like the trials of Mandos, and I am only a pawn in another's game? Then why make my awareness SO large? I don't understand. Eru, Ilúvatar, father, Father, I don't understand.

I try my best and feel it is on the mark, like a strike leaving your hand and landing on the oiled lane, known to be the ten pin killer even before the pocket is struck. But time or fate or YOU double-cross me - I feel this certainty and then have to eat my words. Eat worms. It is a split. I curse, whither on the vine of human relationships. Fail when it comes time to succeed. Why do you grant me the powers of a Vala but deem me, doom me to act a clown? I have heard it said too many times: Alpha and Omega. Beginning and end. As though to use Greek were more clever. But with me you switch hands; am I alpha or omega? I would like to know. I bat left handed, stupid God.

But then I suppose it is against all WE are (for there is no YOU) to understand something which makes no sense, something which just is. What a disappointing universe we chose. I long for You to remake yourself into the adult I never had. Give me answers and make this life bearable, else I cannot take it.

I am sorry, newcomers. Forgive my weakness.
Posted by Metamatician on Wednesday, May 16, 2007

2 comments:

Hans said...

You FEEL more than most. That's part of your problem. We are suppose to just plod on through this life and enjoy what we can. But if you KNOW and FEEL too much, it's too easy to SEE through the veil of pointlessness, except I don't want to see it that way. It's painful. I think that's why artists like you need to find another way to see the world, like through your poetry....see the beauty in an ordinary rock, where no one else can. That's a gift, though I understand that the ordinary part of life is so damn hard. I really understand and I'm sorry too.

May 17, 2007
Metamatician said...

Thanks for reading and commenting. Just knowing other people are in the same boat makes me happy, but sad for them too! At least we're not all alone with life jackets on, floating aimlessly and looking at empty horizons all around. Some people find each other and stick together. That can be a challenge though, and I feel really bad for the people who have literally NO ONE. At least I have you and one or two other people who kinda get it. And the Internet, while it can be alienating in its own right, can also be used as a tool to find people like yourself and bring people together.

May 17, 2007

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